April showers bring May flowers... and allergies.

Today we had an appointment with a pediatric asthma and allergy specialist. We have had this appointment on the books for about 6 weeks and I have been dying to get the process started. It is no surprise that my daughter has asthma, allergies, and acid reflux. Currently she uses an inhaler twice a day, takes reflux medication twice a day, and we have a nebulizer at home for breathing treatments when necessary. If Madi has an allergic reaction to something or even gets a cold we have to do breathing treatments with her at home 3 - 4 times a day. If we don't do this, she ends up needing to take prednisone and often an antibiotic as well. And since she seems to have a growing list of prescription allergies we try to avoid that at all costs. Needless to say, it is a full time job.

 Today they did the basic seasonal allergy test and of course that was positive - the congestion, coughing, itchy watery eyes tipped me off. When Madi has an allergic reaction it shows up in the form of eczema, hives, or difficulty breathing so we want to know what specifically she reacts too, how she reacts to it, and how severe it is. Knowledge is power and we really want to help her battle these while she is waiting to hopefully outgrow them so being able to anticipate the onset of some of these reactions is key. On Thursday we go on to test for specific seasonal allergies, animal dander, and mold. As of now they are concerned about her animal dander allergy as her last couple exposures to dogs sent us to the urgent care. Of course there is always a chance that it was just a coincidence, but with a family history of animal allergies, I am not holding my breath.

While it is stressing me out and makes me sad to have my daughter pricked with things that aggrevate her little system I know that it is necessary for her health and well being. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your child, as a parent, is doing what is right even if it hurts one or both of you.  I am looking forward to getting more answers so that I can be more proactive and diligent with her health for both the short and long term. Of course it also wouldn't hurt if we could more successfully treat these systems so we can all get a little more sleep around here. And the truth is it will probably hurt my heart more than it will hurt her body. Below are some pictures of Madi during someof her reactions. Poor kid. Still so cute though!!

breathing treatments - a new pass time in our household

Her first prick test from this morning

Reaction to something (we dont know what) from last week

reaction to something (again do not know) about a month ago

reaction in December

penicillin allergic reaction from last spring

When the going gets tough

Well here I am again after another long break. I would like to believe that it’s possible for me to be consistent in my blogging endeavors, but that’s just not my reality right now. Although I have been consistent with my lack of discipline. HA! Per usual when I have been gone for such a long while I find it fitting to do an all encompassing recap of what has been going on in our little life. It is important to me for my blog to be honest and true and that is mainly why I haven’t been able to bring myself to blog. It has been a grueling winter for us and frankly I didn’t have much positive to say and I wasn’t comfortable bearing my soul at the time so I chose silence instead. I am in a better place now and can now talk about our challenges without having a toddler size meltdown.

We are obviously still not pregnant… 2 ½ years later. Yikes. The fertility treatments and fails have almost crushed me completely. I was sad all the time and just felt very physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally spent. I was disappointed and felt/feel like I had let my family down and I have felt like God had forgotten about me.  Of course that is the emotion talking and the lies we believe when our pain and hurt are too strong to see the truths.  When the dust began to settle I could see and believe that wasn’t really the truth and deep down I know I have not been forgotten. It took all I barely had left just to get out of bed and try to go through the motions of taking care of my family. And I do mean it took everything I had… in all reality I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to see my friends because I didn’t want to pretend I was ok when I so clearly wasn’t, but I didn’t want to deal with it either. I wanted to hide from the world. I obviously could not do that so I had to use the ‘fake it til you make it’ mentality. As the months have gone on I have finally found a way to find comfort in the promise that God will not allow me to be sad forever. I may never have another baby or I just might. I have not given up hope yet and we will still continue down this fertility roller coaster, but hopefully in a better emotional place. Either way… I know and believe beyond the shadow of a doubt I will eventually be ok. It might take days, weeks, months, or years; but either way I know eventually the sadness will go away. And despite the sadness and desperation I am still strangely aware of how grateful I am for the things that I have been blessed with. Such a weird paradox to be so sad and wanting for more yet so grateful for what I have at the same time.

 I am convinced that I have the most understanding husband in the world. He is perfect for me. He has held my hand and endured my tears beyond what he should have to and he has not complained once. It has been hard on us as the pressure and stress of the fertility process has worn me down, yet he still stands strong beside me despite his own disappointment. I know I am lucky.

 Together we have been working on just being more healthy and Ben has lost 30 pounds. I have only lost 10, but it’s an accomplishment that I have worked hard for and I am proud of it. We continue to work on our home that I fall more in love with every day. It is our sanctuary and filled with so much love. Within these walls I am safe to just be without judgment. There is laughter and tears and on top of all of that so much love. When I tuck my little girl in at night and curl up on the couch beside my husband I am peacefully aware of how safe and loved I am. It’s been refreshing to focus on that and try not to let those moments go by without recognizing how important they are to my life. That is something that I am realizing that I need during this stage of my life, especially because we have had so many medical issues with Madi over the last several months.

Where to begin with Miss Madilynn??? Oh my! She has had a hard winter. In November we ended up in the ER with her because she was having trouble breathing. That was the start of several trips to the ER, steroids, inhalers and breathing treatments, allergic reactions, and back on reflux medication from when she was an infant because she was throwing up. Saying we have not slept much is an understatement.  But this beautiful little girl has not complained even once. She is sweet and kind and humble. I love who she has become and I learn from her every day. She has really become quite the showman as well. She makes us laugh constantly and showers us with hugs and kisses and I love yous daily. She is simply amazing. She started preschool in December and has thrived. Her teachers love her and she loves them. For spring break her teacher invited her to join the 4 – 6year olds for a 4 day spring break program. Despite my reservations about her ability to keep up with the older kids, she not only kept up with the older kids but got a glowing report and had the time of her life. I was so proud of her my heart could burst. She has also started taking dance and she is obviously an adorable ballerina.

One of the harsh and honest realities of our winter was my shortcomings as a mother. There were a few months that I was just not being the mom that I knew I needed to be. I checked off everything on the checklist but I just wasn’t there emotionally. I was so overwhelmed and consumed with our fertility issues that my head and my heart were too busy and it took its toll on Madi. She started to act out and her attitude was nothing short of awful. It was pushing me to my breaking point and there were days where we were both in tears neither of us knowing what to do to fix the mess. I knew it was my fault, but I could not get beyond my emotions. The hormones I had to take were not doing us any favors either. It’s not her character to be defiant and difficult. Everyone told me that 3 year old girls were just like this, but in my heart I knew that wasn’t accurate. She was normally quite the opposite actually. She’s a helper and a rule follower and likes to make other people happy. Sure she has her moments of meltdowns and definitely does push the boundaries at times, but it was never as constant and as dramatic. She was crying out for more of my love and attention and I knew I had to get it together for her sake. A bond with a daughter is strong and I swear she can see straight through to my soul. I can’t pretend with her because she knows. She feels what I feel. Only way to help her was to change me. I spent a week praying and just loving her. There were extra moments spent just enjoying her. I let the laundry go an extra day and let the dishes pile up. I tried to be extra patient and understanding and just talk with her and hear her thoughts and feelings on her world. Within a few days her entire attitude changed and you know what? It changed my heart too. I loved her even more than I already did and she filled my heart back up. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could conquer this. God made me strong so I could handle this life and I just needed a reminder. Madi did that for me.  

We as a family have had a very special last month or so and we are starting to pick up the pieces and move on with life surrendered to whatever the future may or may not bring us and it’s been a beautiful transition. I can actually say that I am looking forward to whatever is next… maybe a new baby and maybe not, summer activities of beach days and ice cream, time spent with friends, and just enjoying the life I have been blessed with right now. 

Just a little sad

I am missing my mom today. I miss her everyday, but lately it has felt harder. When that wave of sadness and emptiness hits you don't really see it coming. There is no warning and no telling what might trigger it.The truth is that the sadness is always there. It's like a little hole in your heart that you just walk around and try to let the business of life distract you from it, but it never completely goes away. No one can fill the space in your heart that is meant for mom. And while I can try desperately to cling to the hope that God knows all and has his reasons and try to believe that God alone can fill my heart it doesn't take away from the fact that her spot in my heart is still there.

She was not always the best mom, but she really tried and looking back I can see how much she loved me. She had some mental issues that sadly tore apart my family,destroyed my childhood, and left us with some pretty damaging memories. As I grew up I learned to forgive her and learned to understand that most of it really was beyond her control. Despite all of this, she never failed to be there for me emotionally. Sometimes I shut her out in an effort to protect my heart and the life I was trying to build for myself. Even in those times she was there ready and waiting for when I would need her. I honestly don't know if I ever left my mom a voicemail. She always answered my call, even if to just let me know that she would call me right back. I was important to her.

This will make me sound 100 percent crazy, but every once in a while I will see someone that resembles my mom and it strikes a cord. Last week when we were in Boston and I walked by a woman who looked similar to my mom. Dark skin and long dark hair and similar facial features. That woman looked right at me and smiled with this very sincere smile almost as if she knew what I was thinking and was validating my emotions. It's crazy, I know. Still, I cherish those random little moments that let me think for a minute that just maybe my mom can see me and is somewhere watching.

As I have mentioned we have had a lot of fertility issues trying to get pregnant with a second and I think this is what is triggering my emotions. I can talk to several of my doctors, close friends, and husband and they have all been sensitive and understanding and patient. But none of those people will ever know me like my mom knew me. I know that she alone is the one person that knows how much it means to me to have a house full of babies because it has been my dream since I was a toddler. My mom knew the ins and outs of my heart and every desire. I know that as a Christian I should be able to reason that God too knows these things and I am therefore not alone. However, I can also reason that God is all powerful and anything is possible through him yet in almost 2 years of trying he has not blessed us with another baby. So, on a personal and very honest level I also have to admit that I have felt let down by God and my faith has definitely been shaken. So right now, I just want my mom.

It's hard to watch my daughter grow up knowing that my mom will never meet her. My mom would have adored her like no one else. Madi is loved by many, but I know it would have been a special love with my mom. That kind of love where you are blind to all of the annoying qualities in someone and can only see the beauty. The kind of love that thinks you are perfect and amazing. My mom made me feel that way. No single person can make me feel that in the same way she did. Now that I am a mom I can understand it better, because I feel that with Madi. Everytime I look at Madi and feel that adoration to the point where my heart could burst because I love her so much I think of my mom because I know she loved me like that. I hope she knew I loved her that much too and I wish I had told her more.

Some Us Time

Life has been super busy - some of it fun busy and some of it annoyingly busy. Both Ben and I have felt lately like we have had many obligations and have had very little opportunity to do anything that we really want to do. We had not been away for even a single night as a family of three ever. Madi is 2 1/2 years old so that is just insane. Soon after Madi was born Ben was in full swing into his graduate program and after that he was working a new job with little vacation time accrued and the vacation time he did have went to vacations with extended family and close friends. Despite the very little free time that we have had, I have still felt guilty that we have not spent enough time with more people. There are friends we have not seen since we moved 8 months ago. That is just shameful. I need to be careful to find the line between making time for my friends and also being realistic about time. There just isn't enough it. If we could see all our friends every week we would, but that's just physically impossible and I cant continue to beat myself up about it. It doesnt improve the situation and only makes life harder. There is only so much of us to give and only so much time in a day. Since we have had no time for ourselves when an opportunity presented itself we had to jump on board.  Ben was going to be going to a training seminar back home in Boston and his company was willing to put him up in a hotel for a couple of nights. That was music to our ears. That meant Madi and I could tag along and we could make a mini family getaway of it. Our first ever. Of course, hopes were high for our first little trip, but we were not disappointed. It was just what the doctor ordered.

The first night we went to the North End and enjoyed pizzeria Regina and strolled the streets making our way to the famous Mike's Pastry for their delicious cannolis. The next day while Ben was in the conference Madi and I made a mother daughter date of it. We rode the train, (which was all excitement for Madi), we visited the seals at the aquarium, strolled Faneuil hall, and had a picnic by fenway park. After Ben returned from work we went to chinatown and had dim sum for the first time. Madi was determined as ever to learn to use chop sticks and somehow actually managed to get food to her mouth. The first night Madi had some trouble sleeping, but by night 2 she was exhausted and slept soundly 9pm to 8am which made for a very happy mommy and daddy. We squeezed in a lot in this little trip and just soaked up each others company. We tried to let the stresses of grown up life go and just delight in the beauty that is our family. It was rejuvenating and memory filled. It's definitely one for the books. All in all I learned that we need to make time for our little family first and foremost. In a life that is so busy and filled with so many obligations we need to make us a priority - even if that does mean cutting out something else or perhaps needing to just say no here and there to some friends and family.

Sorry in advance for the poor picture uploading. I had some trouble with my computer this evening, but still wanted to share.

Catching Up

We have been MIA the last month or so due to a busy life. No other way to explain it. We have been busy enjoying our life - minus a hiccup of enduring a serious allergic reaction. Here is a quick photo and caption blog of what you have missed.

First Hair cut

First trip to the Dentist

Easter in New Jersey with family

Easter morning with her cousins

Tickles and Giggles with Auntie Cheryl in NewJersey - very special to me to have my moms sister loving on my baby girl since my mom can't be here to do it.

Simply enjoying spring weather

Playdates with her Bestie

Tinker Bell birthday parties with face painting!

Game nights with daddy!

Trip to the farm with friends

The usual dairy farm trips

Pony Rides

More farming - her distorted face is post allergic reaction :( she still looks so cute though

And this week... her first allergic reaction to penicillin. It was a hard and scary week. I will tell the story in a later post.

My sweet girl currently sleeping soundly and on the mend from her allergy battle these last few days.

Perfection!

What is Perfection? This is something I have been thinking about lately. Google defines it as "the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects." It has been on mind because I truly believe that my daughter embodies perfection. It's okay to laugh at me and/or roll your eyes. I know I am that parent and I don't care. From the very inside of her soul to the tip of her head down to her toes I think she is perfect.There is not one single thing that I do not love about her. Some days she has a sassy attitude and may not make the best choices, but still I find her perfect - perfectly toddler. She is to me what I think God means when he calls us to have the heart of a child. It is pure as can be. She has a genuine concern for everyone around her. A child falls and she's the first one at the scene in her sweet voice asking, "are you ok?" And she means it. She is determined, patient, understanding, and beautiful. In my eyes, even when she is disobedient she is still perfect. The definition according to google says "as free as possible from all flaws." I think she is as free from flaws as possible considering she is a two year old discoverer and learner.

Now that I have bored you all and made you want to gag while I brag about my daughter I will get to my real point. My feelings of looking at my daughter and seeing perfection tends to make me feel very emotional and just filled with joy, awe, admiration, and love so much so that I can't possible imagine witnessing anything more perfect and it often brings me to tears. And.... that's when I started thinking about what it must be like to stand in front of God witnessing his perfection. While I see perfection in my daughter, we all know that physically it is not possible for her to be completely perfect, but God in fact is perfect. What kind of effect would that have on me when I get to heaven and see it first hand? Surely, it will be a much more emotional and awe inspiring experience than watching my two year old, but it is almost unfathomable. How amazing! What a thought! Nothing in the world could possibly compare and I really only can imagine such a thing as best as I can because I don't think there is anything truly comparable.

Anyway, I know it's kind of a random blog post and doesn't have much to do with anything specific. It was just a thought that really settled into my heart. I hope you read this and can look past the mommy bragging part and see what I see, which is the perfection of God.

Friendships can be exhausting

Today I am feeling a little overspent...or a lot overspent. While such a simple thing it has really exhausted me. My daughter is back to her happy go lucky self and the weather has been beautiful. That is the plus side of things. On the down side, I have spent the last several weeks in doctors appointments for fertility tests, pediatrician appointments for my sick munchkin, tending to my hubby and Madi during their long lasting stomach virus, and doing favors for many different friends in last minute moments. I am just tired. No way around it.

I have really tried to make a huge effort staying in contact with our friends from back home, but even that is starting to take its toll on me. The truth is most of my friends don't venture out this way to see us. It's only an hour, but for some that is just too far. I can understand that. With a toddler in tow even short distances can feel like a lifetime. That being said, somehow I have ended up driving back home 2 to 3 times a week for the last several weeks. It's getting to be too much. And my husband is not happy with how I have blown the gas budget out of the water :-/ We have been here 5 months already and some friends have only ventured out here once or twice, yet here we are week after week trying to make time for everyone and the day long trips multiple times a week are just getting to be too much. And despite this, I have still not been able to spend time with everyone that I would like to. I'm so torn. I want to keep up with our relationships and fight to keep them strong, but I don't want to feel so burnt out and exhausted and I don't want to keep dragging my little girl around like some accessory. She's a person too and she needs to be able to stop and smell the roses as well. I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place. All of which continues to exhaust me.

I still enjoy the couple of friends who have remained steadfast and really made the effort to drive to our home and/or meet us half way. There have been memories built with these people and making this effort for each other has strnegthened our friendship. These friends have helped make our move an easier transition and are people that I will continue to love and spend time with for years to come. We have also made some wonderful new friends here in our new home and as time goes on I can see them getting deeper and stronger. Good friendships take time to create, but I can definitely see them in the making and I am enjoying the process.

All in all, I miss our "old" friends and wish our move had not impacted those relationships, I still enjoy the friends that we spend regular time with who have continued to love me and my family in such a special way, and I am looking forward to the new friends that we are in the process of making and many more to come as the years go on.