Battle of the wills

This past Sunday we decided to take the plunge and give up pacifiers from our rambunctious 2 year old. Needless to say, she was not a fan. We had talked about it the days prior and explained that all the new babies needed paci's and she was a big girl now. I have been dreading this moment for months. She was obsessed with her Paci's and loved to have multiple in her crib for easy access in the night. Paci's could calm an overtired little girl, a sick girl, a big or small ouchie, and a sad heart. I very nervously asked Madi to help me collect all of the paci's and we put them in a gift bag to "give" to a new baby. Surprisingly, she was very cooperative and dare I say even excited. Night time came and our routine was normal; potty stop, pajamas, teeth brushing, a book, hugs and kisses, and laid her down in her crib. Immediately she asked, "get my paci please?" Ut - oh. I calmly and simply reminded her that all the paci's had been packed away for all the new babies. She FREAKED out. I left the room and the meltdown continued. I went back into her room several times in an attempted to comfort her but no amount of rocking, back rubbing, snuggling, singing, or kissing would help. She wanted her paci and that was that. My heart was breaking. I hated hearing the sadness in her pleas and it consumed me. I felt like this was all my fault ( which lets face it, it kind of was) and she didn't understand. After 3 hours of hysteria I caved partially and gave her a paci with the top of the nipple cut off. She was out in 5 minutes. The next day she declared her paci broken and threw it across the room before nap time. Okay, partial battle won. She officially did not want that thing back. This was all so hard on both of us, but she does get it and by the third night went to bed without a single tear.

Nap time on the other hand has been a nightmare. Days 1 -3 there was no nap. She just sits in her crib and waits for me to come get her. She is simply refusing to nap without her paci. It has become a battle of the wills. I am waiting her out for her to crash and she is waiting me out to come get her. Today, she laid in her crib for 4 hours before finally conceding and going to sleep. 4 hours!!!!!!!! Was she kidding? It's killing me. She is so strong willed and she is undoubtedly trying to take control of this situation. Gotta love that 2 year old independence. I can't even begin to explain the illogical obsession i have with my daughters sleep. The stress and anxiety I feel over a desperately needed and skipped nap is ridiculous. Still, I can't help it. I feel peace and comfort when I know my child is sound asleep and getting that recovery time for her little brain and body. Despite the stress and unknowns I am determined to win this battle. If I have to be a shut in for the next week so that she will learn that not napping is not a choice, I will do it. And above all else I will not give the paci back. That will defeat the whole process. So I say to you, my adorable little peanut trying to play Jedi mind tricks with me, best to just back down because I will be winning this battle of the wills. It's on!!!

Happy birthday to the love of life.

Today is Ben's 26th Birthday. I love having an excuse to celebrate this man. Ben is the love of my life and I wouldn't want to spend this life with anyone else. Sometimes I just sit and stare at him amazed that he's mine. It's an overwhelmingly content feeling.  I don't want to be to redundant because I spoke about all of his many wonderful qualities a few weeks ago in a previous blog 5 Years and Counting, so instead I will recap our birthday festivities.

On Saturday night I threw Ben a surprise Birthday party at his favorite restaurant. With the help of our besties, it was a true success. We had to wait longer for a table than was ideal, but everyone was so patient and so encouraging. There were 20 people there from all the walks of our lives together in one room to support, celebrate and encourage my husband. It was a beautifully chaotic evening. Ben does not get to see a lot of these important people as much as he did before the move and I wanted him to still feel loved despite the distance. Following dinner we headed to our best friends house for a smaller celebration where we laughed, enjoyed wings and chocolate fondue, and spent the night. We truly have the greatest friends. In all honesty, they are more like family.

For the big gift... I got him tickets to a show here in Providence. He is a big foodie and this gift definitely hit the mark. I usually struggle with gift buying. I'm just not very creative, but this gift made his eyes light up and I knew I had this one in the bag.

Today is Ben's actual birthday and I woke up early to make him breakfast and serve it to him in bed. The smile on his face was worth my tired eyes. I wanted him to feel as special as I know he is. Madi had big birthday kisses to share and it was a giggly birthday morning. During the day, Madi and I baked and decorated his birthday cake. We blew up balloons and each wrote him a card. Of course, Madi's was mostly just colored all over :) We then picked Ben up from work and headed out to dinner together at Red Robin. But nothing can top listening to Madi sing happy Birthday to her Dada before she helped him blow out the candles. She adores him and she was so excited to celebrate with him. It was a memorable day.

Happy Birthday Benjamin. We love you!

A Good week

This was a GOOD week. In the midst of crazy emotions and the regular craziness of life it was nice to have a week that just felt like a blessing from the beginning of each day until the end of each day. Lets face it, having a two year old is a serious job. It requires 24/7 training, correcting, patience, understanding, consistency, and love all at the same time. It can be a tiring feat and sometimes you do not see the victories instantly enough to feel good about the amount of energy it has taken to just even be a mediocre parent that day. But this week was not like that at all.

This week my daughter slept, ate, and behaved like a champ. And no, I am not kidding. I would ask her to do something and she would obey instantly and then take it upon her self to do the praising, "I did a good job. You're so proud of me mama! Woohoo. Alright. I did it. I go to sleep like a good girl. I tried all my food. I be patient mama. I help you. I love you." These were things I heard come out of her all week. There  were "pleases" and "thank yous" all over the place and if she asked for something and was turned down, she would reply with, "okay" rather than the usual complaint and sometimes melt down. She laughed and giggled all week and was simply happy. She played independently and quietly while I cleaned or cooked and welcomed all the playtime I was willing to join in. I know what you're thinking and no, I am not making any of this up.

She and/or God handed me a gift this week. She let me bask in awe of her and soak up the joy. I felt like we could do anything because of her pleasant attitude and therefore had many adventures. We went shopping, to the library, to the dairy farm, out playing in the snow, to the children's museum and so much more. She started talking even more, even though I thought it would have been impossible for her to be more chatty than she already is. She was obsessed with questions this week. "Why are you doing that? Did you hear that? What do you think? Do you like it? What are you doing there?" She was eager to learn this week. Today, she even counted to 13. I'm not one of those moms that knows what and when certain milestones are supposed to occur and I don't care. Maybe she's early in her counting, right on schedule, or super behind. Doesn't matter. I was just simply proud of her. This week we completely and totally enjoyed each other's company and it was priceless.

Being silly - we dont even wear diapers so I guess they make a good hat now

obsessed with wearing her baby in a carrier

every mom should have an ipad

Childrens Museum

library

Woohoo....snow!

living the good life

so happy to have each other

Lessons I learn from wanting

This is a heavy hearted post. Something I think a lot of people don't talk about in a public forum because it is personal and vulnerable. I have been debating it for weeks and I feel I need to let it off my chest.If I blogged about something else right now it would be a lie because my mind and heart are else where.

We have been trying to get pregnant since November of 2011. Yes. That is 14 months. I have watched a few friends decide on another, conceive, carry their baby to full term and am now watching that baby grow. Sadly, It really puts the amount of time that has passed in full perspective. It has been an exhausting and heart breaking experience trying to conceive for such a long time. The emotional toll it has taken has been a lot to balance while trying to remain upbeat and positive for my 2 year old daughter.

The truth is that as badly as I want another child, I am still incredibly grateful for the family I have now. I have had the best 2 years of my life by miles. Everyday has been filled with so much love I actually feel like my heart could burst. I can't argue that I deserve more because I honestly already have more than I deserve. It is almost an uncomfortable feeling to feel so grateful and so wanting at the same time and I feel guilty over my feelings of discontent.

One thing that has gotten me through is a conversation I had with a dear friend at her favorite diner when I was having trouble conceiving my daughter Madi. She told me that I was made perfectly by God and not to feel like my body failed me. How profound! She said great things were going to come my way and I needed to remember to keep that faith. Through the emotional wear and tear of the long road to conceive my daughter, this is what got me through and during this second effort to conceive this same conversation has replayed over and over in my head and has brought me a lot of comfort.

While I am still trying to remain hopeful, I have taken the next step of booking an appointment with my OB to discuss my "options." To my surprise this opened another can of worms in my mind and heart. I am terrified at the possibility of something being wrong. Am I prepared to face that? If I end up needing help with my fertility, there is a part of me that questions whether or not that would mean I was giving up on God. I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but that doesn't erase the feelings. I have always believed that God was in control and would bless me as he saw fit and thus far he has. If I were to go forward with fertility treatments (if it came to that) would that mean I was attempting to take away Gods control and make something happen that maybe he doesn't want for my life? And that is the bomb drop. What if I am not meant to have more? In general, I have had to ask myself if I could be content just having one child. I am still not ready to answer that question. These are the fears that have haunted me through 2012 and into 2013.

Despite the hardship of this journey, I know this one thing. I am far more grateful for my daughter because of this process. I had to want her with every fiber of my being before she came along. That gratitude contributes to the kind of mom I am today. I was the type of person that could let the small things really get to me, but instead now I remember that it is not a given that I would have this beautiful baby. She was a gift and in my eyes a miracle. I remember to hug and snuggle and kiss her daily. Truly, I never forget it. When she wants my attention, I can much more easily just drop everything I am doing. When she didn't sleep through the night until she was 14 months old (and truthfully still sometimes gets up), I didn't let it bother me. I was able to treasure those moments. I have seen mothers that take parenting for granted and that makes me sad, but I'm so glad that I am not one of them and my daughter will benefit from being loved in such a way that treats her like she is someone special everyday. I don't care what people think of my parenting because I can remember and reflect on how special it is and see the beauty and the victories. I don't have to be weighed down by insecurity, because there is only room for the gratitude I have for her. I believe that God would not have blessed me with her if he thought I couldn't do it and I don't mind if it sounds arrogant, but I think I have done a great job. I am reminded daily that she is amazing. She made me a mom and she's my best buddy.  If it took five years to get pregnant with her, I would do it all again to learn this valuable lesson. Perhaps, God is using this time around to teach me another lesson and make me an even better mother. And if that's the case, than I am happy to fight through the tears again to get a new baby here. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt along the way.

Our First House

Just to warn you this blog is extremely photo heavy. As I have mentioned in a previous blog, we recently bought our first house. I want to take you on a tour of the before and after. The before shots are photos f the old owners belongings before the move. We did a lot of work to make it our own as you will see in the after shots. Some rooms are still missing wall hangings and window treatments, but you'll get the idea. Hope you'll like our house as much as we do.

The front of our house with peanut there

our backyard

Before: the living roon

before: also the loving room

After: the living room

After: also living room

Before: the basement

Before: the basement (it was terrifyingly disgusting)

After: the basement (Madi's play space)

After: Basement

After: Basement (family room)

Before:kitchen

After: Kitchen 

Before: Eat in portion of the kitchen

After: Eat in portion of the kitchen (missing window treatments and wall hangings)

Before: Bedroom

After: Our Bedroom

3rd Bedroom: I do not have a before picture of this one. Right now we use it as Ben's office

Hall way leading off from the kitchen. Bathroom is on the right, a bedroom/office on the left and our room and Madi's room at the end of the hall.

Before: Bedroom

After: Madi's Room

After: Madi's Room

Madi's Room

Well, that's our new house. We are very much in love with it. Thanks for taking the tour! 

5 years and counting

Yesterday was my 5th wedding Anniversary!!! It's almost unbelievable. It went by in a blink of an eye. The first three years were trying to say the least. My mother passed away unexpectedly. I was diagnosed with papillary carcinoma (thyroid cancer),had surgery to remove my thyroid, and began hormone replacement medication which I now take on a daily basis. We also had some trouble getting pregnant, but once she was on her way it was smooth sailing.

The two years we have had peanut along side us have been the best two years of my life. Our days have been filled with giggles and sweet kisses and the drama seems to have exited our life with the entrance of this pure and simple baby girl. The first year of motherhood was undoubtedly a challenge, but always a joy. We began a new dynamic as a family and settled into new roles and my relationship with my husband reached a deeper more meaningful level.

 On to this last year. This year my husband graduated from business school and began a new job. We bought our first house and moved to a new state. There was a lot of change, but none of it seemed as scary as it could have been without Ben (the hubby) by my side. We are looking at this anniversary as a time of reflection of what we have accomplished over the last five years and a time to contemplate and set goals for the next 5 years. This man is the love of my life. He makes me feel secure and safe. I feel taken care of and adored. He makes me feel like the worlds best mom and still looks at me like he's just fallen in love with me. He is my other half and I can't wait to see how our life changes together in the next 5 years.

Here I go again

I blog rarely. We all know this. I'm not good at it and the process makes me feel overwhelmed and insecure. Despite this, I am going to give blogging another shot. We recently moved to Rhode Island and I have very few friends and I think that blogging would be a good outlet for me while we get settled. I'll start slowly to get in the swing and then hopefully learn about this whole 'linking up' phenomena.