The last year

December 7, 2010 at 7:25pm, we met Madilynn Renee

One month Old

1 1/2 months

3 months

4 months

5 months

6 months

7 months

8 months

9 months

10 months

11 months

11 1/2 months

and next week... she will be 1

A little lonely (venting session)

I have some amazing friends and when I see them I really enjoy my time with them.
My trouble is that I don't get to see them very much. Most of them work 9 - 5 jobs and are free nights. Sadly, Ben is in business school (leaving me home without a car while he is at school) and he gets home pretty late most nights leaving me on bedtime baby duty. This means I spend most days alone with my girl and then most nights alone with myself. If I am completely honest, although I am head over heels for my daughter, I can still get pretty lonely for friends. If some of my mommy friends get together close enough I can walk, but often times they are meeting too far away from me by foot. Because I really cherish the time spent with friends I have noticed that I can get pretty discouraged when people cancel because I had so much invested. It is not the greatest feeling in the world, that is for sure. This, of course, is not at all their fault. I find myself stalking twitter and facebook just to be connected to some sort of social network. Definitely not the most productive way to spend my time. I am really hoping to grow in my confidence and talk to other moms when I am at the playground with Madi. I always feel so much younger (probably because I am) and I can get intimidated fairly easy and so I often focus my attention on Madi and don't bother to introduce myself to anyone. I need to work on that.

I had actually gotten very okay with having so much alone time. My house is pretty clean and I get to play with my daughter a ton (which I know is a special luxury). I think because Ben was home spending time with us over the Thanksgiving Holiday, I was reminded of how nice it was so spend time with such a good friend and it left me craving time with other friends. Hopefully I am just being moody and tomorrow I won't mind again. sorry for the gripe session. :-/

Forced into surrender

I had never known what it truly felt like to be completely surrendered to God until just a couple of weeks ago. Madi had surgery to remove an extra finger that she was born with. I knew it was not a major life threatening surgery and there was a better likelihood that she would be just fine than not, but it felt real and terrifying to me. Ben and I were in a position where we were kissing our baby goodbye, tears streaming down both of our faces, trusting her life with strangers. It was in that moment that I knew that only God could really guarantee her safety as she went under anesthesia. In my head I also knew that he would do this, but to trust that with my heart was so much harder. It comes naturally to me to want to protect my daughter and I hated feeling so helpless. I was scared for her and I knew she would be in pain and I knew I couldn't stop it. It was flat out AWFUL. It was by far one of the hardest days of my life.

I cried the majority of the two hours she was in surgery. Watching her wake up after the surgery was almost as painful as letting her go before hand. She was upset, disoriented, doped up, and confused. It literally hurt my chest to see her connected to so many wires and to watch her as the day went on to struggle with her new situation. She is NOT a fan of the full arm cast. Today, she is thriving and doing well (although frustrated on a daily basis with the cast). In 8 more days, the cast will come off and we will see her new hand. Strangely, I am confused about my feelings towards all of this. I was sure I would be excited for her and her new and "normal" hand. Instead, I feel a bit sad that my baby has been changed. She is different now. It is not the hand she was born with. I am certain I will adjust and I am happy for her, but there is a small voice in my head that is saying, "You made the choice to change her and you can't take it back." I feel nervous. Pray that my anxiety will pass quickly.

The Countdown

I have once again disappeared from the blogging scene and am making an attempt to return. I don’t have the best blogging voice and I get discouraged and then steer clear of writing. However, writing really helps me stay in touch with myself and so I have decided to take another go at it and do it for me, regardless of my rookie status.

Next week is my sweet baby girl’s birthday. I cannot believe it. This has been by far the best year of my entire life. I feel so blessed that I have been given the opportunity to love this beautiful little person. She has taught me more about myself than I knew existed. My compassion for others has multiplied infinitely. She has made me care so much more about people. She is helping to make me the person that God wants me to be.

It’s amazing to see how much she has changed in just one year. She can speak (about 15 different words now), she knows a good amount of baby sign language, she can walk and run, and she gives the best hugs and kisses. She lights up a room everywhere she goes, constantly waving to people and saying “hi” with her biggest and most genuine smile. I love how much she loves people. She is a true reflection of what love should be.

It’s bittersweet to see her birthday fast approaching. I am so full of pride in seeing her meet all of her milestones and take this world by storm. Then again, I truly miss that teeny tiny 5 pound baby that came home with me from the hospital. The way her entire body would curl up so small on my chest and how her head literally fit into the palm of my hand… and I have pretty small hands. She was and is my peanut. I will miss that tiny baby, but luckily, she finds ways to make each new stage so exciting and fun that I can happily move forward with her.