I'm feeling...

This is going to be a mosh posh of many different thimgs. I'm feeling a lot and I can't sort it all out well enough to have a clear direction. I am exhausted, encouraged, sad, discouraged, overwhelmed, and content all at the same time.

Lets start with exhausted. We just returned home from an 8 day san francisco vacation to visit very dear friends. Madi was in rare form most of the trip and sucked out every last bit of energy that I had. I think maybe she has not been feeling her best, but at any rate she has been up crying at all hours of the night for a couple of weeks now. It's amazing that I was able to do this for several months when she was a baby, but now just 2 weeks seems to take the life out of me.

I am encouraged because it was so fulfilling to spend such great time with wonderful friends. They were hospitable, understanding, and patient with us. All things you need when traveling with your 15 month old. It was nice to catch up with a friend who is in the same life stage and feel like there was someone i could really relate to.

I am sad because it reminds me how much that is really missing in my life. Being a young mom is hard. It is uncommon to find other moms that are interested in forming a friendship, I think, because I am so much younger than them. I loved seeing Madi be able to intereact with her friend. The joy on her face was priceless. And I loved how easy it was for us to sit and talk with them or just sit silently and watch the kids play. I wish we still had that.

I also feel a little discouraged to be living in limbo land. Currently, we have no idea where are family is headed. We don't know where Ben will be working and where we will be living. At first it was exciting, but now I am nervous. I feel like I am sort of hanging in mid air and my heart is racing because I don't know when the drop is coming. A little dramatic I know, but that was the best way I could think to describe what the ucertainty feels like. I had really been hoping to move and get a fresh new start for our family, but now I am thinking that may not happen. All in all, I don't know what is around the corner, but I pray that God has it under control and that he will make it clear what decisions we should be making.

I am overwhelmed by our schedule that seems to fill up weeks in advance hardly giving us room to breathe or rest. I feel overwhelmed by Benjamin's school work load. It weighs him down and overwhelms him. Being in San Francisco really reminded me of how carefree he could be. When we talked he was all there and was not distracted by the school work and job hunt that takes up so much of his mind these days. He was able to shut that off and that was good for all of us.

On the upside of my debbie downer post, I can say without a doubt that I am more than content with my husband and daughter. I am so blessed to have been given such a gift. The way Ben sometimes looks at me like I am made of gold. I know I am precious to him and I am loved by him. Sweet kisses from my beautiful little girl that remind me that even her fits are not personal or intentional, but usually out of pure frustration or a lack of one or both of our understanding. It fills my heart up to the point of bursting when I watch her excitement when she learns something new. She is so proud of herself. I hope she always remembers to be proud of her accomplishments; whether they are big or small. She is important. God hand picked her and then gave her to me to take care of. These two people are my family. They make me a better more well rounded person. And on the gloomy days, they show some light. I am definitely content with that.