Tears, Tears, Tears

Separation anxiety is the pits. I feel bad for her and bad for myself all at the same time. My baby has it VERY bad. She cries every time she can't see me. Even in the car. If I am not in the back seat with her she cries. I don't mean a little whining either. I mean absolute panic attack with crocodile tears. We had her birthday party and she was just fine. I think she feels safe at home and with our close friends. When we are somewhere else is when she gets upset. And if someone tries to pick her up she absolutely freaks out. It is almost as if she is afraid they are going to take her. My husband and the pediatritian think it is mostly stemming from the trauma of the surgery combined with her developmental stage. And I just have no idea. The bottom line is... I am exhausted. Now that we are on vacation visiting in the in laws who she doesn't really remember we are at an all time low. Tears most of the day. If I take a shower she tries to stand outside the bathroom crying and banging on the door. She is only happy when physically attached to me and that is a lot on a person. I want to encourage her to basically get over it, but we are also in a new environment with people she doesnt know and I don't want to make it worse. It is a difficult balancing act. I love and adore her, but I am desperate for this to all pass. I miss her being happy all of the time. Sorry for my rant. It's sort of all that my mind has room for right now.

She's ONE!!!!

I can't believe it. One year ago today, my baby girl joined the world. I am sad and happy all at the same time. I hate that I have to admit that she is very much a toddler and not a baby. I am also so proud of her. My oh my the things she has done in a year. It's unbelievable.

We spent the day as a family and it was wonderful. We started by heading to Children's Hospital Boston to have her cast removed and get a splint made in Occupational Therapy. It was exciting. She now has 10 fingers like all the other kids and she has already started putting those two fully functioning hands to work destroying the house :)

We gave her a cupcake to dive into after we sang happy birthday and blew out the candle. It was a joyful moment. My heart is so full it could burst and at the same time I feel like there is so much more room to love. I feel accomplished. Ben and I made it. This isn't just a birthday, but an anniversary of the day we became parents. There have been great days and awful days. In the end everything was worth it. We all made it and we are happy with our beautiful family. It makes me hopeful for our future and excited to see where our life will go.

Here are a couple of photos of our day!

Discovered with two hands she could really do some damage!

I can't believe it. One year ago today, my baby girl joined the world. I am sad and happy all at the same time. I hate that I have to admit that she is very much a toddler and not a baby. I am also so proud of her. My oh my the things she has done in a year. It's unbelievable.

We spent the day as a family and it was wonderful. We started by heading to Children's Hospital Boston to have her cast removed and get a splint made in Occupational Therapy. It was exciting. She now has 10 fingers like all the other kids and she has already started putting those two fully functioning hands to work destroying the house :)

We gave her a cupcake to dive into after we sang happy birthday and blew out the candle. It was a joyful moment. My heart is so full it could burst and at the same time I feel like there is so much more room to love. I feel accomplished. Ben and I made it. This isn't just a birthday, but an anniversary of the day we became parents. There have been great days and awful days. In the end everything was worth it. We all made it and we are happy with our beautiful family. It makes me hopeful for our future and excited to see where our life will go.

Here are a couple of photos of our day!

I am grateful for...

I am grateful for...
my husband who loves me despite my faults,
my daughter who can always make me smile even when she's getting into trouble,
baby giggles,
my home that is safe and warm and filled with love,
our friends who have stood by us through thick and thin,
cupcakes (I just love them),
night time prayer with daddy and baby,
a warm fall (love 60 degree days in December),
coffee at all times a day,
the good health of my friends and family,
our neighborhood that has most everything in walking distance,
a God who thought I was worth it,
and everything I am sure our future has to offer us. The potential is amazing!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

We LOVE Christmas here at the Wood household. Just decorating makes me more cheerful. At first, I thought having a Christmas baby would be steal some of the birthday joy, but it turns out it makes everything just more cheerful.

My favorite part of Christmas decorating... being with my family!

side bar: This is not even giving you a real glimpse of the amount of Christmas decor that has taken over our home. It's wonderful.

The last year

December 7, 2010 at 7:25pm, we met Madilynn Renee

One month Old

1 1/2 months

3 months

4 months

5 months

6 months

7 months

8 months

9 months

10 months

11 months

11 1/2 months

and next week... she will be 1

A little lonely (venting session)

I have some amazing friends and when I see them I really enjoy my time with them.
My trouble is that I don't get to see them very much. Most of them work 9 - 5 jobs and are free nights. Sadly, Ben is in business school (leaving me home without a car while he is at school) and he gets home pretty late most nights leaving me on bedtime baby duty. This means I spend most days alone with my girl and then most nights alone with myself. If I am completely honest, although I am head over heels for my daughter, I can still get pretty lonely for friends. If some of my mommy friends get together close enough I can walk, but often times they are meeting too far away from me by foot. Because I really cherish the time spent with friends I have noticed that I can get pretty discouraged when people cancel because I had so much invested. It is not the greatest feeling in the world, that is for sure. This, of course, is not at all their fault. I find myself stalking twitter and facebook just to be connected to some sort of social network. Definitely not the most productive way to spend my time. I am really hoping to grow in my confidence and talk to other moms when I am at the playground with Madi. I always feel so much younger (probably because I am) and I can get intimidated fairly easy and so I often focus my attention on Madi and don't bother to introduce myself to anyone. I need to work on that.

I had actually gotten very okay with having so much alone time. My house is pretty clean and I get to play with my daughter a ton (which I know is a special luxury). I think because Ben was home spending time with us over the Thanksgiving Holiday, I was reminded of how nice it was so spend time with such a good friend and it left me craving time with other friends. Hopefully I am just being moody and tomorrow I won't mind again. sorry for the gripe session. :-/

Forced into surrender

I had never known what it truly felt like to be completely surrendered to God until just a couple of weeks ago. Madi had surgery to remove an extra finger that she was born with. I knew it was not a major life threatening surgery and there was a better likelihood that she would be just fine than not, but it felt real and terrifying to me. Ben and I were in a position where we were kissing our baby goodbye, tears streaming down both of our faces, trusting her life with strangers. It was in that moment that I knew that only God could really guarantee her safety as she went under anesthesia. In my head I also knew that he would do this, but to trust that with my heart was so much harder. It comes naturally to me to want to protect my daughter and I hated feeling so helpless. I was scared for her and I knew she would be in pain and I knew I couldn't stop it. It was flat out AWFUL. It was by far one of the hardest days of my life.

I cried the majority of the two hours she was in surgery. Watching her wake up after the surgery was almost as painful as letting her go before hand. She was upset, disoriented, doped up, and confused. It literally hurt my chest to see her connected to so many wires and to watch her as the day went on to struggle with her new situation. She is NOT a fan of the full arm cast. Today, she is thriving and doing well (although frustrated on a daily basis with the cast). In 8 more days, the cast will come off and we will see her new hand. Strangely, I am confused about my feelings towards all of this. I was sure I would be excited for her and her new and "normal" hand. Instead, I feel a bit sad that my baby has been changed. She is different now. It is not the hand she was born with. I am certain I will adjust and I am happy for her, but there is a small voice in my head that is saying, "You made the choice to change her and you can't take it back." I feel nervous. Pray that my anxiety will pass quickly.

The Countdown

I have once again disappeared from the blogging scene and am making an attempt to return. I don’t have the best blogging voice and I get discouraged and then steer clear of writing. However, writing really helps me stay in touch with myself and so I have decided to take another go at it and do it for me, regardless of my rookie status.

Next week is my sweet baby girl’s birthday. I cannot believe it. This has been by far the best year of my entire life. I feel so blessed that I have been given the opportunity to love this beautiful little person. She has taught me more about myself than I knew existed. My compassion for others has multiplied infinitely. She has made me care so much more about people. She is helping to make me the person that God wants me to be.

It’s amazing to see how much she has changed in just one year. She can speak (about 15 different words now), she knows a good amount of baby sign language, she can walk and run, and she gives the best hugs and kisses. She lights up a room everywhere she goes, constantly waving to people and saying “hi” with her biggest and most genuine smile. I love how much she loves people. She is a true reflection of what love should be.

It’s bittersweet to see her birthday fast approaching. I am so full of pride in seeing her meet all of her milestones and take this world by storm. Then again, I truly miss that teeny tiny 5 pound baby that came home with me from the hospital. The way her entire body would curl up so small on my chest and how her head literally fit into the palm of my hand… and I have pretty small hands. She was and is my peanut. I will miss that tiny baby, but luckily, she finds ways to make each new stage so exciting and fun that I can happily move forward with her.

Vacation planning

I always feel like summer is winding down just as it begins. It feels so short. We only have two weeks left at home before we head to Las Vegas for a 10 day vacation and then August is pretty much over. Sure, our vaca will be fun, but relaxing definitely not. We will spend part of the trip being tourists with Ben's family and then the other half with my grandparents. It will be so nice to see them as well as my sister, nephews, and niece. I must admit, I am a bit worried about the 3 hour time change. I am not sure how to handle it. We leave at 7pm from Boston, we have a lay over in Chicago and then we arrive in Las Vegas at midnight. My hopes are that she sleeps like a champ this trip and really enjoys the new surroundings and new people. Are my hopes too high? Any tips for the layover?

Projects

I like to have little projects to do. It keeps me on mu toes and gives me a real sense of satisfaction when I complete them.

This summer's projects...

Finish baby proofing
update photos in the house in all of the frames
clean out Madi's closet (so sad to see her grow out of clothes)
write my thank you notes from my graduation party (long over due)
update Madi's baby book

I am hoping to get this all done in the next few weeks. Then we will be on vacation and summer will be nearing its end.

North Carolina bound

This fourth of july weekend we are heading to visit my inlaws in North Carolina. I am looking forward to a weekend of relaxation at the pool and many laughs as family gets to swoon over our beautiful baby and she entertains us with her ever increasingly excited personality. I love any excuse to celebrate just about anything. The fourth of July is a time to remind us how awesome summer is and to stuff are face with bbq foods and bask in the sun. I hope Madi is a trooper on the flight. Knowing her, she will think it is all fun in games and will really enjoy it. Wish us luck!

What are your plans for the long weekend?

Time to get groovin'

Madi is almost 7 months old and I have started to get myself together and get back into the swing of life. I have enjoyed reading again and an occasional glass of wine with the beautiful silence of a sleeping baby at the end of a long day. I make sure to get up and put the house back together every morning and make sure to take the time to make myself look human (shower and some make up). I also want to starting entertaining again. I LOVE to have people over. Hospitality is my gift!I am enjoying summer walks and days at the beach. I am working two days a week. It's not much, but it is something. I really don't like to leave Madi behind, but it is almost worth it to come home to someone that excited to see you.

I feel like a wife again. I love talking to my husband and hearing all about his super boring financial accounting classes. Trust me it is a snooze fest, but the fact that he loves it so much makes it easy to listen to him. I love that he still loves me. Having a baby and then trying to care for her 24 hours a day in those first few months can turn even the most patient, kind, loving woman into a demon. Yet, he stuck it out with me.

I have also started working out again and believe me that was necessary. I am trying to be more positive and confident. Yes, my body looks like I had a baby, but the truth is I am absolutely sure it could be a whole heck of a lot worse. So, I am going to carry myself with poise and be proud of the little person I brought into this world.

My mom

This June was a particularly hard month for me. It marked the 3rd anniversary of my mother's death. I was all too aware this year that my mother would never meet my baby girl and there isn't a day that passes that I don't think about that. And... it never gets easier. I will always wish she had the chance to meet her granddaughter. I will always wish that she was in the audience when I graduated from College in June. It doesn't matter how old you are, girls always want their mommy. Still, we have to move forward continuing to make the most of our lives and live it to the fullest. I promise to always love and care for Madilynn with every ounce of love I have to give just as I know my mom would have wanted. I know my mom would have been proud of my accomplishments thus far and I know she would have loved my baby. And that means everything.

Summertime

Some days with a baby are really trying, but others are flat out rewarding. And it doesn't hurt that Madi loves the water and summer sun :-) We will be spending our summer like this...





Gotta love the napping at the beach.

S'more Camping Please

This memorial day weekend was our first weekend camping as a family of three. We go a few times every year and I was delighted to introduce Madi to the great outdoors camping. Of course, it was also Madi's first night sleeping away from home (she did sleep somewhere else at 4 weeks, but was obviously unphased then). Needless to say, I was a little nervous about how it was going to go. Fortunately, she was a trooper. She loved being outside. While she did take short naps, she took enough of them to keep her happy. It was so great to see her interact with her little friend Meredith as well. They used to seem light years apart in age even though they are really only 5 months apart. As they grow older, and Madi tries her best to catch up, they can actually enjoy each others company. I could see Madi studying every move Meredith made. I know that Meredith will teach her many things.

We were missing some dear friends this trip and we really truly did miss them. There was definite potential for gloom with threatening weather forecasts and missing friends, but it turned out to be beautiful and we had a great time with amazing company. We can't wait for the next trip!
Sunday Morning... clearly enjoying the trip :)

sleep, sleep, sleep

Sleep? What is that? I am surrendered to the fact that I will never sleep again the way I once did, but every once in a while Madi surprises me and we both get amazing naps. I am working really hard to get her on a specific nap schedule. It has been incredibly difficult and it seems there is always something that threatens my efforts. But today, she actually napped on the schedule I wanted... and it really is just as amazing as I thought it would be. It was probably a fluke, but I won't give up.

She napped from 9 - 11 (so did I) and 2 to well it's 3:40 now and she is still asleep. I have been getting some great afternoon naps lately. This left us 3 hours to play with in the middle of our day and she was so pleasant. I was able to feed her at 11 and we headed right out on this beautiful day. We went to the chiropractor, ran a few errands, and then visited some of my favorite high school teachers and the preschool that I worked at in high school. We could do so much. We then got home at 1:45, she ate and went right to sleep. I never thought I would see the day when I could be out with a happy awake baby for 2 1/2 hours before she would need to be fed and sleep again. It's funny what makes a mom happy ;)

Now I find myself missing her and wishing she would wake up, but at night when she still gets up twice I am wishing for sleep. And even when she never slept (or so it seemed, I still loved her with every ounce of my being, as I am sure I still will when she regresses and we fight for sleep again. I hear it's a never ending battle ;) I can't have it all can I? But then again, I kind of do!

The Small Things

Sometimes I like to just sit back and think of the small things that truly make me happy...

My tiny baby girl Madilynn

Madi only waking once in the night

A hot cup of coffee for those early mornings

The Ellen show

Walks on sunny days

Delicious meals

And a not so small thing.... a baby who is completely latching on to the sleep training concept. Thank goodness!

All new moms should have...

Now that Madi is 3 months old, there are some things I have discovered that have really made my life easier. And, quite frankly, I don't know how our moms did without.

Who has time to scrub the house from top to bottom on your hands and knees with a new baby?

• Clorox disinfecting wipes

• swiffer wet mop

• swiffer duster

• shower spray and leave

For those late night feedings while trying to keep your eyes open

• Netflix

• DVR

Everyone needs to eat dinner

• the crockpot

And most of all....

• the most precious baby on the planet

It's All Ok

Having a baby has completely changed my perspective and made me a much more positive person. In the past, if I didn't get 8 hours of sleep at night I would be sleepy and upset. Now, I thank God for two hours and now that she sleeps five at a time I just want to jump for joy. Still, if she slept only one hour I would be delighted. Beggers can't be choosers.

Additionally, Madi has reflux...ugghhh. It makes me sad that she is uncomfortable, but the positive is that it's just reflux. Of all the things that can go wrong with a baby, I will happily take reflux. And there is something about this baby girl that makes all things worth it. When she is feeling good, she is soooooooo happy. She doesn't get fussy in the evening like most babies and only cries when she wants to be put down for a nap or fed or is having tummy aches from the reflux (which we are learning to keep at bay and reduce the discomfort... all in good time).

The down side, I am constantly drenched in spit up, up to my ears in laundry full of burp cloths and bibs, and envious of every mom in my new moms group who have babies that don't wear bibs and don't have to be held up right for 30 minutes after each feeding. With Madi, I have to try to burp her every ten minutes in every feeding, keep her upright for thirty minutes and every few nights spend the entire night bouncing a screaming baby. But... then that passes and she has a good day and she looks at me and smiles as if to say, "thanks for trying to soothe me mommy. I feel much better now." And then every thing is better and I could care less that I got no sleep or smell like sour milk.

I think God made babies so loveable so that the hardships of being a new mom are worth it. And she is, without a doubt, worth it. I am that obnoxious mother that wants to kiss her cheeks 24/7 and sometimes I get really antsy when she takes a long nap because I miss her and want her to wake up. She is just so fun.

I don't care if I don't sleep for a week, look frumpy from a lack of time to prep myself, or never have a moment to get my self something to eat again. I have never been so happy to be so all over the place. She's worth it and that makes it all ok.

A favorite

About five years ago I read a book called Captivating by Staci Eldredge. It is a book written for and geared towards women who try with all their might to be believers of God. It touches on the innate emotions of a woman and how and why that shapes her. This book for me was enlightening and life changing. Recently, in an effort to reconnect with something greater than myself... God of course... I started to reread this book. Again; it is just as thought provoking. I strongly recommend this book.

Here are a couple of my favorite quotes.

"A mother's heart is a vast and glorious thing. My mother's heart was expansive, having been enlarged by suffering and years of clinging to Jesus while being misunderstood, dismissed, and judged by those she loved most. Me included. It had cost her to love, had cost her much to mother. It always does. But she would tell you that it's worth it, that there is no other way."

"We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil."

Any suggestions for other great reads?

unpredictable

Life with Madi is very unpredictable. Sometimes she sleeps like a champ and wakes only once in the night and sometimes she barely sleeps at all. Still, I enjoy all of my moments with her. I feel like i have found my calling. I love knowing that I have such a special relationship with this tiny person. I know her cries and what they mean, I know her favorite way to be held, soothed, and comforted. I know what she wants by certain looks she gives me. And I love that knowing these things makes me a good mom. I know her and can therefore almost always make her happy when she's sad. I love every new stage she enters but not so secretly am sad to see old ones leave. We gave her a bottle for the first time this week and I actually cried. I thought maybe she would miss me, but she could care less as long as there was milk in that bottle. At the same time, while sad, I was also so proud of her acting like such a big girl and being so flexible with change. I know there will be many more moments where I mourn the passing of a stage, but at least I am still excited to see what comes next.

Great Inventions

For those of you that have infants who prefer the soother pacifiers and they are constantly flipping out because the pacifier fell out of their mouth... get a Wubbanub. The attached stuffed animal helps the paci stay in the mouth. It's unbelievable.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_8?url=search-alias%3Dbaby-products&field-keywords=wubbanub&sprefix=wubbanub

We live a different life now. This I have decided is one of the greatest inventions ever.

For Better or Worse

Yesterday was my third wedding anniversary. Additionally, as you know, we had a baby just one month ago. This anniversary was particularly special looking at the beautiful family we have started. We had planned to go to dinner and then have a romantic evening at home. The plan was to go to dinner, as we did, and then go home to put the baby to bed and spend some time together.

HA HA HA HA... Madi had other plans. She was up until 2:30am and refused to sleep in her crib. Instead she slept on me in a recliner. So much for our romantic evening, but more than that... so much for trying to make plans anymore. Everyday is surely a surprise. Good thing she is cute :)

Madi - the things you have taught us

Miss Madi bear,

I thought it would be nice to let you know all of the things we have learned about you in this first month of your life and then print it to add to your baby book.

We have learned a lot emotionally. First of all, you have taught us to love in a deeper way that we didn't know existed. There is not one thing I would not do for you and I have found it my new goal in life to spend most waking moments trying to make you as happy and content as possible and I am enjoying every minute of it. You have recently started to try our patience. You have discovered your lungs and have been exercising them regularly. Now that you can see better and are more alert you want to take in all of the world around you. Sadly, your little body can not handle all of that stimulation yet. As a result, you eventually just flip out in inconsolable screams. I want to be able to explain to you that if you would just close your eyes and stop looking at everything you wouldn't get so upset, but we obviously can't communicate that way yet. You have also decided that drifting off to sleep at will when you feel like it is over rated and if we don't purposely make the effort to put you to sleep when you are tired, you would stay awake all day. (which you have done, resulting in a serious melt down) You get that stubborn streak from me... sorry about that. Still, most of the time you are a very content baby and are usually happy just to sit and watch me or the things around you.

We have learned a lot about your likes and dislikes and can now tell what you want/need by even just the look in your eyes. Somehow your face tells a story and lets us know what you need in that moment.

Here is a list of things we have learned about you...
- you do not like to be swaddled
- you like to sleep with your arms over your head or covering your eyes
- you like to sleep on your side... particularly the left side
- if you get too frantic before you eat, you scream and swallow air... which means you need to - burp before we start nursing and you hate to be burped so that is usually where you put up a fight
- you have a dairy allergy
- best thing to soothe you is walking... swaying, bouncing, rocking all do not work when you are really upset
- you like to stare at the ceiling fan
- you love to stare at daddy while he talks to you
- favorite place to be... curled up like a koala bear on my chest
- love your bath, but hate to have your clothes changed
- believe it or not you actually laugh in your sleep and I have many witnesses who will attest to this, while you can't do it yet while conscious it is quite a sight to see while you are sound asleep. You have the most beautiful smile!

There are many more things we are going to learn about you and I can't believe how much we have already learned. You did not come with a set of instructions, but it seems you don't take batteries just love and that I have plenty of. Hopefully that will be enough to keep you in proper working condition :) I love you with every single part of my being and while it makes me sad that everyday you grow a day older and are getting bigger, I am still excited to continue to learn more about you.

Love more and more every day,
mommy