Just a little sad

I am missing my mom today. I miss her everyday, but lately it has felt harder. When that wave of sadness and emptiness hits you don't really see it coming. There is no warning and no telling what might trigger it.The truth is that the sadness is always there. It's like a little hole in your heart that you just walk around and try to let the business of life distract you from it, but it never completely goes away. No one can fill the space in your heart that is meant for mom. And while I can try desperately to cling to the hope that God knows all and has his reasons and try to believe that God alone can fill my heart it doesn't take away from the fact that her spot in my heart is still there.

She was not always the best mom, but she really tried and looking back I can see how much she loved me. She had some mental issues that sadly tore apart my family,destroyed my childhood, and left us with some pretty damaging memories. As I grew up I learned to forgive her and learned to understand that most of it really was beyond her control. Despite all of this, she never failed to be there for me emotionally. Sometimes I shut her out in an effort to protect my heart and the life I was trying to build for myself. Even in those times she was there ready and waiting for when I would need her. I honestly don't know if I ever left my mom a voicemail. She always answered my call, even if to just let me know that she would call me right back. I was important to her.

This will make me sound 100 percent crazy, but every once in a while I will see someone that resembles my mom and it strikes a cord. Last week when we were in Boston and I walked by a woman who looked similar to my mom. Dark skin and long dark hair and similar facial features. That woman looked right at me and smiled with this very sincere smile almost as if she knew what I was thinking and was validating my emotions. It's crazy, I know. Still, I cherish those random little moments that let me think for a minute that just maybe my mom can see me and is somewhere watching.

As I have mentioned we have had a lot of fertility issues trying to get pregnant with a second and I think this is what is triggering my emotions. I can talk to several of my doctors, close friends, and husband and they have all been sensitive and understanding and patient. But none of those people will ever know me like my mom knew me. I know that she alone is the one person that knows how much it means to me to have a house full of babies because it has been my dream since I was a toddler. My mom knew the ins and outs of my heart and every desire. I know that as a Christian I should be able to reason that God too knows these things and I am therefore not alone. However, I can also reason that God is all powerful and anything is possible through him yet in almost 2 years of trying he has not blessed us with another baby. So, on a personal and very honest level I also have to admit that I have felt let down by God and my faith has definitely been shaken. So right now, I just want my mom.

It's hard to watch my daughter grow up knowing that my mom will never meet her. My mom would have adored her like no one else. Madi is loved by many, but I know it would have been a special love with my mom. That kind of love where you are blind to all of the annoying qualities in someone and can only see the beauty. The kind of love that thinks you are perfect and amazing. My mom made me feel that way. No single person can make me feel that in the same way she did. Now that I am a mom I can understand it better, because I feel that with Madi. Everytime I look at Madi and feel that adoration to the point where my heart could burst because I love her so much I think of my mom because I know she loved me like that. I hope she knew I loved her that much too and I wish I had told her more.