When the going gets tough

Well here I am again after another long break. I would like to believe that it’s possible for me to be consistent in my blogging endeavors, but that’s just not my reality right now. Although I have been consistent with my lack of discipline. HA! Per usual when I have been gone for such a long while I find it fitting to do an all encompassing recap of what has been going on in our little life. It is important to me for my blog to be honest and true and that is mainly why I haven’t been able to bring myself to blog. It has been a grueling winter for us and frankly I didn’t have much positive to say and I wasn’t comfortable bearing my soul at the time so I chose silence instead. I am in a better place now and can now talk about our challenges without having a toddler size meltdown.

We are obviously still not pregnant… 2 ½ years later. Yikes. The fertility treatments and fails have almost crushed me completely. I was sad all the time and just felt very physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally spent. I was disappointed and felt/feel like I had let my family down and I have felt like God had forgotten about me.  Of course that is the emotion talking and the lies we believe when our pain and hurt are too strong to see the truths.  When the dust began to settle I could see and believe that wasn’t really the truth and deep down I know I have not been forgotten. It took all I barely had left just to get out of bed and try to go through the motions of taking care of my family. And I do mean it took everything I had… in all reality I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to see my friends because I didn’t want to pretend I was ok when I so clearly wasn’t, but I didn’t want to deal with it either. I wanted to hide from the world. I obviously could not do that so I had to use the ‘fake it til you make it’ mentality. As the months have gone on I have finally found a way to find comfort in the promise that God will not allow me to be sad forever. I may never have another baby or I just might. I have not given up hope yet and we will still continue down this fertility roller coaster, but hopefully in a better emotional place. Either way… I know and believe beyond the shadow of a doubt I will eventually be ok. It might take days, weeks, months, or years; but either way I know eventually the sadness will go away. And despite the sadness and desperation I am still strangely aware of how grateful I am for the things that I have been blessed with. Such a weird paradox to be so sad and wanting for more yet so grateful for what I have at the same time.

 I am convinced that I have the most understanding husband in the world. He is perfect for me. He has held my hand and endured my tears beyond what he should have to and he has not complained once. It has been hard on us as the pressure and stress of the fertility process has worn me down, yet he still stands strong beside me despite his own disappointment. I know I am lucky.

 Together we have been working on just being more healthy and Ben has lost 30 pounds. I have only lost 10, but it’s an accomplishment that I have worked hard for and I am proud of it. We continue to work on our home that I fall more in love with every day. It is our sanctuary and filled with so much love. Within these walls I am safe to just be without judgment. There is laughter and tears and on top of all of that so much love. When I tuck my little girl in at night and curl up on the couch beside my husband I am peacefully aware of how safe and loved I am. It’s been refreshing to focus on that and try not to let those moments go by without recognizing how important they are to my life. That is something that I am realizing that I need during this stage of my life, especially because we have had so many medical issues with Madi over the last several months.

Where to begin with Miss Madilynn??? Oh my! She has had a hard winter. In November we ended up in the ER with her because she was having trouble breathing. That was the start of several trips to the ER, steroids, inhalers and breathing treatments, allergic reactions, and back on reflux medication from when she was an infant because she was throwing up. Saying we have not slept much is an understatement.  But this beautiful little girl has not complained even once. She is sweet and kind and humble. I love who she has become and I learn from her every day. She has really become quite the showman as well. She makes us laugh constantly and showers us with hugs and kisses and I love yous daily. She is simply amazing. She started preschool in December and has thrived. Her teachers love her and she loves them. For spring break her teacher invited her to join the 4 – 6year olds for a 4 day spring break program. Despite my reservations about her ability to keep up with the older kids, she not only kept up with the older kids but got a glowing report and had the time of her life. I was so proud of her my heart could burst. She has also started taking dance and she is obviously an adorable ballerina.

One of the harsh and honest realities of our winter was my shortcomings as a mother. There were a few months that I was just not being the mom that I knew I needed to be. I checked off everything on the checklist but I just wasn’t there emotionally. I was so overwhelmed and consumed with our fertility issues that my head and my heart were too busy and it took its toll on Madi. She started to act out and her attitude was nothing short of awful. It was pushing me to my breaking point and there were days where we were both in tears neither of us knowing what to do to fix the mess. I knew it was my fault, but I could not get beyond my emotions. The hormones I had to take were not doing us any favors either. It’s not her character to be defiant and difficult. Everyone told me that 3 year old girls were just like this, but in my heart I knew that wasn’t accurate. She was normally quite the opposite actually. She’s a helper and a rule follower and likes to make other people happy. Sure she has her moments of meltdowns and definitely does push the boundaries at times, but it was never as constant and as dramatic. She was crying out for more of my love and attention and I knew I had to get it together for her sake. A bond with a daughter is strong and I swear she can see straight through to my soul. I can’t pretend with her because she knows. She feels what I feel. Only way to help her was to change me. I spent a week praying and just loving her. There were extra moments spent just enjoying her. I let the laundry go an extra day and let the dishes pile up. I tried to be extra patient and understanding and just talk with her and hear her thoughts and feelings on her world. Within a few days her entire attitude changed and you know what? It changed my heart too. I loved her even more than I already did and she filled my heart back up. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could conquer this. God made me strong so I could handle this life and I just needed a reminder. Madi did that for me.  

We as a family have had a very special last month or so and we are starting to pick up the pieces and move on with life surrendered to whatever the future may or may not bring us and it’s been a beautiful transition. I can actually say that I am looking forward to whatever is next… maybe a new baby and maybe not, summer activities of beach days and ice cream, time spent with friends, and just enjoying the life I have been blessed with right now.