Just a little sad

I am missing my mom today. I miss her everyday, but lately it has felt harder. When that wave of sadness and emptiness hits you don't really see it coming. There is no warning and no telling what might trigger it.The truth is that the sadness is always there. It's like a little hole in your heart that you just walk around and try to let the business of life distract you from it, but it never completely goes away. No one can fill the space in your heart that is meant for mom. And while I can try desperately to cling to the hope that God knows all and has his reasons and try to believe that God alone can fill my heart it doesn't take away from the fact that her spot in my heart is still there.

She was not always the best mom, but she really tried and looking back I can see how much she loved me. She had some mental issues that sadly tore apart my family,destroyed my childhood, and left us with some pretty damaging memories. As I grew up I learned to forgive her and learned to understand that most of it really was beyond her control. Despite all of this, she never failed to be there for me emotionally. Sometimes I shut her out in an effort to protect my heart and the life I was trying to build for myself. Even in those times she was there ready and waiting for when I would need her. I honestly don't know if I ever left my mom a voicemail. She always answered my call, even if to just let me know that she would call me right back. I was important to her.

This will make me sound 100 percent crazy, but every once in a while I will see someone that resembles my mom and it strikes a cord. Last week when we were in Boston and I walked by a woman who looked similar to my mom. Dark skin and long dark hair and similar facial features. That woman looked right at me and smiled with this very sincere smile almost as if she knew what I was thinking and was validating my emotions. It's crazy, I know. Still, I cherish those random little moments that let me think for a minute that just maybe my mom can see me and is somewhere watching.

As I have mentioned we have had a lot of fertility issues trying to get pregnant with a second and I think this is what is triggering my emotions. I can talk to several of my doctors, close friends, and husband and they have all been sensitive and understanding and patient. But none of those people will ever know me like my mom knew me. I know that she alone is the one person that knows how much it means to me to have a house full of babies because it has been my dream since I was a toddler. My mom knew the ins and outs of my heart and every desire. I know that as a Christian I should be able to reason that God too knows these things and I am therefore not alone. However, I can also reason that God is all powerful and anything is possible through him yet in almost 2 years of trying he has not blessed us with another baby. So, on a personal and very honest level I also have to admit that I have felt let down by God and my faith has definitely been shaken. So right now, I just want my mom.

It's hard to watch my daughter grow up knowing that my mom will never meet her. My mom would have adored her like no one else. Madi is loved by many, but I know it would have been a special love with my mom. That kind of love where you are blind to all of the annoying qualities in someone and can only see the beauty. The kind of love that thinks you are perfect and amazing. My mom made me feel that way. No single person can make me feel that in the same way she did. Now that I am a mom I can understand it better, because I feel that with Madi. Everytime I look at Madi and feel that adoration to the point where my heart could burst because I love her so much I think of my mom because I know she loved me like that. I hope she knew I loved her that much too and I wish I had told her more.

Some Us Time

Life has been super busy - some of it fun busy and some of it annoyingly busy. Both Ben and I have felt lately like we have had many obligations and have had very little opportunity to do anything that we really want to do. We had not been away for even a single night as a family of three ever. Madi is 2 1/2 years old so that is just insane. Soon after Madi was born Ben was in full swing into his graduate program and after that he was working a new job with little vacation time accrued and the vacation time he did have went to vacations with extended family and close friends. Despite the very little free time that we have had, I have still felt guilty that we have not spent enough time with more people. There are friends we have not seen since we moved 8 months ago. That is just shameful. I need to be careful to find the line between making time for my friends and also being realistic about time. There just isn't enough it. If we could see all our friends every week we would, but that's just physically impossible and I cant continue to beat myself up about it. It doesnt improve the situation and only makes life harder. There is only so much of us to give and only so much time in a day. Since we have had no time for ourselves when an opportunity presented itself we had to jump on board.  Ben was going to be going to a training seminar back home in Boston and his company was willing to put him up in a hotel for a couple of nights. That was music to our ears. That meant Madi and I could tag along and we could make a mini family getaway of it. Our first ever. Of course, hopes were high for our first little trip, but we were not disappointed. It was just what the doctor ordered.

The first night we went to the North End and enjoyed pizzeria Regina and strolled the streets making our way to the famous Mike's Pastry for their delicious cannolis. The next day while Ben was in the conference Madi and I made a mother daughter date of it. We rode the train, (which was all excitement for Madi), we visited the seals at the aquarium, strolled Faneuil hall, and had a picnic by fenway park. After Ben returned from work we went to chinatown and had dim sum for the first time. Madi was determined as ever to learn to use chop sticks and somehow actually managed to get food to her mouth. The first night Madi had some trouble sleeping, but by night 2 she was exhausted and slept soundly 9pm to 8am which made for a very happy mommy and daddy. We squeezed in a lot in this little trip and just soaked up each others company. We tried to let the stresses of grown up life go and just delight in the beauty that is our family. It was rejuvenating and memory filled. It's definitely one for the books. All in all I learned that we need to make time for our little family first and foremost. In a life that is so busy and filled with so many obligations we need to make us a priority - even if that does mean cutting out something else or perhaps needing to just say no here and there to some friends and family.

Sorry in advance for the poor picture uploading. I had some trouble with my computer this evening, but still wanted to share.

Catching Up

We have been MIA the last month or so due to a busy life. No other way to explain it. We have been busy enjoying our life - minus a hiccup of enduring a serious allergic reaction. Here is a quick photo and caption blog of what you have missed.

First Hair cut

First trip to the Dentist

Easter in New Jersey with family

Easter morning with her cousins

Tickles and Giggles with Auntie Cheryl in NewJersey - very special to me to have my moms sister loving on my baby girl since my mom can't be here to do it.

Simply enjoying spring weather

Playdates with her Bestie

Tinker Bell birthday parties with face painting!

Game nights with daddy!

Trip to the farm with friends

The usual dairy farm trips

Pony Rides

More farming - her distorted face is post allergic reaction :( she still looks so cute though

And this week... her first allergic reaction to penicillin. It was a hard and scary week. I will tell the story in a later post.

My sweet girl currently sleeping soundly and on the mend from her allergy battle these last few days.

Perfection!

What is Perfection? This is something I have been thinking about lately. Google defines it as "the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects." It has been on mind because I truly believe that my daughter embodies perfection. It's okay to laugh at me and/or roll your eyes. I know I am that parent and I don't care. From the very inside of her soul to the tip of her head down to her toes I think she is perfect.There is not one single thing that I do not love about her. Some days she has a sassy attitude and may not make the best choices, but still I find her perfect - perfectly toddler. She is to me what I think God means when he calls us to have the heart of a child. It is pure as can be. She has a genuine concern for everyone around her. A child falls and she's the first one at the scene in her sweet voice asking, "are you ok?" And she means it. She is determined, patient, understanding, and beautiful. In my eyes, even when she is disobedient she is still perfect. The definition according to google says "as free as possible from all flaws." I think she is as free from flaws as possible considering she is a two year old discoverer and learner.

Now that I have bored you all and made you want to gag while I brag about my daughter I will get to my real point. My feelings of looking at my daughter and seeing perfection tends to make me feel very emotional and just filled with joy, awe, admiration, and love so much so that I can't possible imagine witnessing anything more perfect and it often brings me to tears. And.... that's when I started thinking about what it must be like to stand in front of God witnessing his perfection. While I see perfection in my daughter, we all know that physically it is not possible for her to be completely perfect, but God in fact is perfect. What kind of effect would that have on me when I get to heaven and see it first hand? Surely, it will be a much more emotional and awe inspiring experience than watching my two year old, but it is almost unfathomable. How amazing! What a thought! Nothing in the world could possibly compare and I really only can imagine such a thing as best as I can because I don't think there is anything truly comparable.

Anyway, I know it's kind of a random blog post and doesn't have much to do with anything specific. It was just a thought that really settled into my heart. I hope you read this and can look past the mommy bragging part and see what I see, which is the perfection of God.

Friendships can be exhausting

Today I am feeling a little overspent...or a lot overspent. While such a simple thing it has really exhausted me. My daughter is back to her happy go lucky self and the weather has been beautiful. That is the plus side of things. On the down side, I have spent the last several weeks in doctors appointments for fertility tests, pediatrician appointments for my sick munchkin, tending to my hubby and Madi during their long lasting stomach virus, and doing favors for many different friends in last minute moments. I am just tired. No way around it.

I have really tried to make a huge effort staying in contact with our friends from back home, but even that is starting to take its toll on me. The truth is most of my friends don't venture out this way to see us. It's only an hour, but for some that is just too far. I can understand that. With a toddler in tow even short distances can feel like a lifetime. That being said, somehow I have ended up driving back home 2 to 3 times a week for the last several weeks. It's getting to be too much. And my husband is not happy with how I have blown the gas budget out of the water :-/ We have been here 5 months already and some friends have only ventured out here once or twice, yet here we are week after week trying to make time for everyone and the day long trips multiple times a week are just getting to be too much. And despite this, I have still not been able to spend time with everyone that I would like to. I'm so torn. I want to keep up with our relationships and fight to keep them strong, but I don't want to feel so burnt out and exhausted and I don't want to keep dragging my little girl around like some accessory. She's a person too and she needs to be able to stop and smell the roses as well. I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place. All of which continues to exhaust me.

I still enjoy the couple of friends who have remained steadfast and really made the effort to drive to our home and/or meet us half way. There have been memories built with these people and making this effort for each other has strnegthened our friendship. These friends have helped make our move an easier transition and are people that I will continue to love and spend time with for years to come. We have also made some wonderful new friends here in our new home and as time goes on I can see them getting deeper and stronger. Good friendships take time to create, but I can definitely see them in the making and I am enjoying the process.

All in all, I miss our "old" friends and wish our move had not impacted those relationships, I still enjoy the friends that we spend regular time with who have continued to love me and my family in such a special way, and I am looking forward to the new friends that we are in the process of making and many more to come as the years go on.

It wasn't a great day.

Today was definitely not my favorite day. It wasn't all bad, but it was definitely discouraging. Because we have been home quarantined due to the virus that had plagued our household cabin fever has gotten the best of one adorable toddler - though not so adorable today. I think mostly out of boredom she began to get into and destroy everything she came into contact with. She whined about everything all day long and on top of that chose not to take her nap and played in her bed for two hours instead. On average she probably only needs 1 or 2 time outs a week to keep her in check and in a particularly great week there are no timeouts. Today it felt like she was in time out all day. At one point, I was giving her yet another warning before her millionth time out when she interrupted me to say, "you close your mouth right now!" Needless to say my chin hit the floor. Sassy was full on and she was testing her limits and all boundaries. On top of her poor attitude, she was exhausted and clumsy. She hit her head about seven times, bruised her elbow and burnt two fingers by reaching up onto the stove. Finally almost in the home stretch we had one big catastrophic melt down right before bed. She stamped her feet in place screaming at the top of her lungs in time out because she was refusing to cooperate and get her pajamas on. It was quite the welcome home for my husband. Once I laid her down she was sound asleep in under 2 minutes, thank God.

That is my venting for today. Most days I really do find her to be sweet, charming, sensitive, and obedient. Overall she is my greatest joy. There were a few of those sweet moments making cookies and snuggling on the couch to watch a show together, but those moments were quickly over shadowed by the many difficult moments. But she wouldn't be a toddler if she didn't have her moments to freak out. Today was disappointing. I feel like it was a wasted day that had potential to be a wonderful snow day. oh well. Here's to a better tomorrow.

What is love?

This weekend we had the pleasure of attending a marriage retreat hosted by our community church with a guest speaker, named Kelly Petre. I wanted to share a point that he made that was truly profound and really got me thinking about this thing that we call love.

Kelly said, "love is not a feeling first and foremost, but an act of will." He went on to explain that throughout the bible when we are asked to love it is commanded of us and you cannot possibly command a feeling, but you can command an action. After all, how can you feel love for your enemy with the snap of your fingers. That would be a tremendous feat, but to act in love towards your enemy is a choice that can be followed through on. He also mentioned that in centuries past most marriages were arranged marriages and that often these marriages worked and in time the husband and wife actually grew to feel love towards one another. His point was that we get to choose the person we love so of course we should be able to make that marriage work. And in fact, statistically most couples that are not truly happy in the early years of their marriages, if they stick it out, after five years they will become happy. You just have to do the work of love. How sad is it to think of the marriages that fail, because they couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel? I thought of an analogy of my own for mothers that helped me understand it better.I think it must be like breast feeding. Breastfeeding, while natural, does not come naturally. Both you and the baby have to learn how to make it work and in that process it hurts like hell. I remember having to tell my self 'don't squeeze her head. Don't squeeze her head.' When she was first latching on it hurt so bad I thought I was or months the pain just vanishes and it becomes this beautiful, priceless moment with your child. If I had quit, I would never have known what I was missing out on. Likewise, if marriage gets hard in those early years while you are trying to learn to love each other in a new way and quit, you'd never get to the beautiful and priceless moments.

This spurred my brain on further to think of the difference in my love for my daughter and my husband. I love them both an immeasurable amount, but they are a different kind of love. Falling in love with my husband was a process; a wonderful process. I prayed for a man to love me the way he does and that God would give me the partner that I was meant to have and he did. When he first showed up in my life I had that enormous girl crush and an attraction to him, but to say I loved him instantly would just be dramatic. I did not believe in love at first sight. I believed in the possibility of love at first sight. Over time, after countless words of encouragement, cards, flowers, gifts, dates, and acts of service, I had fallen in love with this man. I liked and still do like to serve and encourage him. It has become part of my being to love my husband. Some days it is easy and other days it is hard. And sometimes I have to love him with my actions even when I am not feeling loved by him and that is where the hard work comes in. It is safe to say that when I am finally humble enough to follow through on that it is well worth it. This is when I see so clearly and am reminded of the things that I love so much about him. He is so calm and reassuring when I need it most. He is affectionate, supportive, serving, funny, kind hearted, sentimental, and easy going. He shows me these things in his every day acts of love for me. It helps me to love him in return in a better more serving way.

My love for my daughter however is very different. I remember walking and praying for her very specifically, just as I had for my husband. We had already picked out a name for a girl before I was even pregnant. Just as God had hand picked us, I like to think I played a role in it with God to hand pick her. I was yearning to love her the way I believed children should be loved. I didn't grow up with a constant feed of this kind of unconditional love and it pushed me to want to love the way I think I and all children should have been loved.  I loved her before she was even here and then more when I felt her move inside me, more when I heard her cry and first saw her, and more and more every day. The thing about this love is that it was a feeling love first. She did nothing by way of actions but lay there and look beautiful. She was not writing me cards or words of encouragement or sending me flowers. I just loved her anyway and I served her letting my love grow and expecting nothing in return. I have been sad to see her get older missing that tiny baby I first fell in love with, but I have also fallen more and more in love with her and I didn't realize until this weekend hearing Kelly's words what specifically had done that. I have fallen more in love with her because she now can love me back with actions. She tells me she loves me and showers me with hugs and kisses. She is generally concerned with my well being and shares everything with me from snacks to toys to secrets. She now serves me too and I can see her heart more and more every day and the love between us just grows.

Love is so vast and can be incredibly difficult or simple depending on our view and understanding. I can only hope to remember to act in love allowing God to teach me more and more what love is supposed to be.

Sooooo sick :(

On Tuesday my little peanut was hit with her first stomach bug. It was around midnight when I first headed up to bed and moments later I heard Madi crying. I was not prepared for what I would see when I walked into her room. The poor little thing had thrown up all over her bed. I quickly called for my husband, grateful I had a companion willing to help me because we needed all hands on deck. He took her to the bathroom to clean her up while I did damage control in her room. I was hoping she had just had something to eat that didn't sit right and that would be the end. After she was cleaned up and changed we tucked her back in and said our good nights. Ben then returned to bed and I began rinsing all of her bedding out and then started a load of laundry. Minutes later I heard her getting sick again. This time it was everywhere including her hair. Nothing like a 12:30am bubble bath. This time I did not wake Benj. I knew at this point it was going to be a long haul and he needed to work in the morning. It was time to rally and conquer the disaster. Madi sat in the bubble bath while watching a show on the iPad to allow me free hands to clean up her room. I blew up an air mattress, got plenty of towels, a bucket, water and crackers ready. I knew I would be camped out there for the night. Madi and I laid on the air mattress watching The Lorax while she continued to throw up every fifteen minutes for 4 hours.

 I had never felt so helpless. All I could do was hold my little girl while her worn out and lifeless body was taken over by this vicious virus. I would rub her back and tell her she was doing a good job. And bless her heart, her response was, "it's all gonna be fine mama." She said it in the sweetest most surrendered little voice I had ever heard. She couldn't even hold her head up and still she trusted me. Oddly enough, it was a very special moment where we both knew we were there for each other and we would make it out of this. She had no energy left and the way she so fully laid on my chest felt as if she was literally attached to me and I fell even more in love with her. I didn't even know that was possible.

 This situation is a prime example of how a mothers heart really shines through. I slept only 3 hours and I was unphased. The adrenaline took over and my being became about serving my baby at all costs and that's what I wanted to be doing.

The next day the poor thing had a case of diarrhea (sorry for the too much information). I knew this was not just a 24 hour stomach bug. I called the pediatrician and based on my description of events she quickly came to the conclusion that she had norovirus, also known as the winter vomiting bug. The only thing that can kill it is bleach and the victim of the virus is contagious for up to 3 days after symptoms stop, and often families can keep passing it back to each other. Well that's terrifying. :-/

 To add to the madness Ben and I had planned to go away this weekend for a marriage retreat with our church. I did what I could to get and keep everyone healthy. Every night I wiped down the whole house with bleach and washed bedding about a million times ( it really felt like that). By the time Saturday morning rolled around Madi was in full blown bathroom disaster mode, clearly still fighting this bug. Our dear and faithful friends wanted to stay with her despite. It broke my heart to walk out the door away from my sick baby. My mind and heart were divided and I was that parent that had to check in on their daughter a ridiculous amount of times. I felt we still needed to make our trip because our marriage is important and I do believe that our parenting depends on the foundation of our marriage built by God and that we need the tools to know how to continue to be happy and have a happy family, but my heart was aching. Still I knew, she was in good hands and everything wood be fine.

 But that's not it... Saturday night after dinner at our getaway the virus struck Ben. He was sick a few times in the night and by morning I just wanted to get home and take care of my two loves - and rebleach the house ;) we headed right home and skipped the last day of our weekend get away. This weekend was not ideal. I am exhausted! I have been puked on, pooped on, laundry piled up to my eye balls, cleaning all surfaces and taking care of my darlings. All I can say is, God help me to escape the wrath of this bug and to continue to be diligent about keeping my family healthy during theses disease ridden winter months. Don't be surprised if we go into hiding until summer ;) this experience is taking my germ phobia to a whole new level.

Toddler Bed Success

I have been dreading the move from crib to toddler bed for many reasons. First, I like the security I feel knowing my daughter is in a contained safe space while I sleep. I don't want to worry about her wondering the house unsupervised and possibly being injured. Second, transitions with toddlers are tough. Pacifier situation case in point. I was dreading the toddler waking in the middle of the night several times and having to put her back over and over again. I was picturing sleepless nights and a tired mama and baby. Thirdly, she has been throwing tantrums for all sleep times and was so angry on Friday for nap time she actually flung herself right out of her crib. I wanted to solve our sleep problems first before moving to a toddler bed. Lastly, I did not want to say goodbye to my baby. Lets face it, she is potty trained, no longer uses pacifiers or bottles, needs her food cut up, or to be rocked to sleep. She is well on her way to being a little girl. Illogically, keeping her in a crib allows me to still feel like she is my baby.

Despite my reasons, Madi had another agenda. We were about to have Blizzard Nemo hit us in full force with up to 3 feet of snow and there was a good chance we were going to lose power. No power means no heat. Our basement retains heat the best so we thought we would have a family camp out just in case rather than wake up freezing and relocating in the middle of the night. We blew up air mattresses and set up Madi's pack n play. I tried to put Madi in her pack n play and she freaked out, "I don't want a crib. Get me out. Put me on the ground." I asked her if she wanted to sleep on the ground and she said yes. I did not believe for a second she would sleep there. I gave her a pillow and a blanket and laid her down. No tears went right to sleep and to my amazement only woke up to get on the couch and go back to sleep there. This was a head scratcher. Could all these night time fits be because she didn't want to be sleeping in her crib?

The next morning we converted her crib to it's toddler/day bed state and when nap time came around her face lit up and her smile was so big. She was so happy to have a big girl bed. She climbed right in and went to sleep and took a 2 hour nap. That night same thing; climbed right in. She woke up once because she fell out (she was fine I put pillows on the floor). She went back to sleep no problem. Today nap time, climbed right in again. Same for bed time. I guess she was just ready and because I didn't want her to be ready I didn't see it. I am so proud of her and so sad at the same time. I wasn't supposed to be without a baby this quickly. :( Despite that, the quiet nights and easy nap times are well worth it. I wish everyone this same kind of success when transferring their toddler to a big girl bed.

Kids really do say the darnedest things

Two has got to be the most exciting age. Watching my daughter develop her own and independent personality is truly amazing and hysterical. I just wanted to give you some quotes and contexts to give you some insight into who my little peanut is.

One night at dinner and at random Madi gives me a giant hug and says, "you're the best ever. We're best friends." I mean really.... Just melt my heart.

The next day remembering she was mad that I took all of her pacifiers away says to me, "we're not friends. I'm leaving. I go to my friend Alex's house." Hearing a 2 year old say this knowing how impossible it would be for her to do this made me laugh.

Madi was Still mad over the paci situation later that night. I told her I loved her and she crossed her arms and looked away and said, " I no say I love you too." This sounds awful, but the little pout with this tiny little voice actually sounded adorable and I knew and understood why she was feeling resentful that day.

Me: "Madi, would you like pizza for dinner."
Madi: "no. I have a tummy ache. I'll have a cake pop."

Madi has also starting giving us the play by play of everything little thing she does. "I wash my hands. I walk down stairs. I'm jumping. I want to go see the cows. This is too tight. This is too big." If you do not acknowledge what she says she repeats it several times and then finally will shout, "did you hear that?" This girl is a definite attention seeker.

Last night before bed she asked if her friend Lucy could come over. Lucy is a close friends baby and is only about 8 months old. I said I didn't know what their plans for the week were and her response was, "mama, you call Rick and ask for baby Lucy to come over." Rick is Lucy's dads name. Seriously don't know how my newly turned 2 year old thinks of these things.

In the car today we told her she was not having a good attitude and needs to change it if she wanted to have family movie night as planned. She replied with, "well, I no want a good attitude." There's that terrible two sassy attitude everyone talks about. ;)

If anyone anywhere passes gas or a baby near by has a poopy diaper Madi shouts, " I smell poops." Hysterical every time.

Despite her sassy attitude and spunky and energetic self she is also unconditionally sweet. She never wants anyone left behind. Anytime she is playing with anything she asks, " you want to play too?" Words I hear daily out of her are "it's your turn" and "I share with you." Anytime she hears a thud from me banging something in the other room she will come running saying, " mama, are you ok? You need my help?"  The thing about toddlers is that they say exactly what they mean and it's refreshing. If her feelings are hurt she will tell me so and if she is feeling happy she will tell me. When she likes something, she enthusiastically will say, "I love this." And if she doesn't like it you will hear about that too. She is full of love and cuddles and kind words and some not kind words and that's ok because they mirror the fact that sometimes she has a bad day and sometimes she has a great day and she is learning how to use her voice. One day she will learn social etiquette and she will think before she speaks and a piece of her will be guarded like it is in all of us. I just hope we have some time left for her to be able to openly and freely speak her mind. That freedom won't last forever. And while that time is here I will bask in the delight of her saying the darnedest thing.

Battle of the wills

This past Sunday we decided to take the plunge and give up pacifiers from our rambunctious 2 year old. Needless to say, she was not a fan. We had talked about it the days prior and explained that all the new babies needed paci's and she was a big girl now. I have been dreading this moment for months. She was obsessed with her Paci's and loved to have multiple in her crib for easy access in the night. Paci's could calm an overtired little girl, a sick girl, a big or small ouchie, and a sad heart. I very nervously asked Madi to help me collect all of the paci's and we put them in a gift bag to "give" to a new baby. Surprisingly, she was very cooperative and dare I say even excited. Night time came and our routine was normal; potty stop, pajamas, teeth brushing, a book, hugs and kisses, and laid her down in her crib. Immediately she asked, "get my paci please?" Ut - oh. I calmly and simply reminded her that all the paci's had been packed away for all the new babies. She FREAKED out. I left the room and the meltdown continued. I went back into her room several times in an attempted to comfort her but no amount of rocking, back rubbing, snuggling, singing, or kissing would help. She wanted her paci and that was that. My heart was breaking. I hated hearing the sadness in her pleas and it consumed me. I felt like this was all my fault ( which lets face it, it kind of was) and she didn't understand. After 3 hours of hysteria I caved partially and gave her a paci with the top of the nipple cut off. She was out in 5 minutes. The next day she declared her paci broken and threw it across the room before nap time. Okay, partial battle won. She officially did not want that thing back. This was all so hard on both of us, but she does get it and by the third night went to bed without a single tear.

Nap time on the other hand has been a nightmare. Days 1 -3 there was no nap. She just sits in her crib and waits for me to come get her. She is simply refusing to nap without her paci. It has become a battle of the wills. I am waiting her out for her to crash and she is waiting me out to come get her. Today, she laid in her crib for 4 hours before finally conceding and going to sleep. 4 hours!!!!!!!! Was she kidding? It's killing me. She is so strong willed and she is undoubtedly trying to take control of this situation. Gotta love that 2 year old independence. I can't even begin to explain the illogical obsession i have with my daughters sleep. The stress and anxiety I feel over a desperately needed and skipped nap is ridiculous. Still, I can't help it. I feel peace and comfort when I know my child is sound asleep and getting that recovery time for her little brain and body. Despite the stress and unknowns I am determined to win this battle. If I have to be a shut in for the next week so that she will learn that not napping is not a choice, I will do it. And above all else I will not give the paci back. That will defeat the whole process. So I say to you, my adorable little peanut trying to play Jedi mind tricks with me, best to just back down because I will be winning this battle of the wills. It's on!!!

Happy birthday to the love of life.

Today is Ben's 26th Birthday. I love having an excuse to celebrate this man. Ben is the love of my life and I wouldn't want to spend this life with anyone else. Sometimes I just sit and stare at him amazed that he's mine. It's an overwhelmingly content feeling.  I don't want to be to redundant because I spoke about all of his many wonderful qualities a few weeks ago in a previous blog 5 Years and Counting, so instead I will recap our birthday festivities.

On Saturday night I threw Ben a surprise Birthday party at his favorite restaurant. With the help of our besties, it was a true success. We had to wait longer for a table than was ideal, but everyone was so patient and so encouraging. There were 20 people there from all the walks of our lives together in one room to support, celebrate and encourage my husband. It was a beautifully chaotic evening. Ben does not get to see a lot of these important people as much as he did before the move and I wanted him to still feel loved despite the distance. Following dinner we headed to our best friends house for a smaller celebration where we laughed, enjoyed wings and chocolate fondue, and spent the night. We truly have the greatest friends. In all honesty, they are more like family.

For the big gift... I got him tickets to a show here in Providence. He is a big foodie and this gift definitely hit the mark. I usually struggle with gift buying. I'm just not very creative, but this gift made his eyes light up and I knew I had this one in the bag.

Today is Ben's actual birthday and I woke up early to make him breakfast and serve it to him in bed. The smile on his face was worth my tired eyes. I wanted him to feel as special as I know he is. Madi had big birthday kisses to share and it was a giggly birthday morning. During the day, Madi and I baked and decorated his birthday cake. We blew up balloons and each wrote him a card. Of course, Madi's was mostly just colored all over :) We then picked Ben up from work and headed out to dinner together at Red Robin. But nothing can top listening to Madi sing happy Birthday to her Dada before she helped him blow out the candles. She adores him and she was so excited to celebrate with him. It was a memorable day.

Happy Birthday Benjamin. We love you!

A Good week

This was a GOOD week. In the midst of crazy emotions and the regular craziness of life it was nice to have a week that just felt like a blessing from the beginning of each day until the end of each day. Lets face it, having a two year old is a serious job. It requires 24/7 training, correcting, patience, understanding, consistency, and love all at the same time. It can be a tiring feat and sometimes you do not see the victories instantly enough to feel good about the amount of energy it has taken to just even be a mediocre parent that day. But this week was not like that at all.

This week my daughter slept, ate, and behaved like a champ. And no, I am not kidding. I would ask her to do something and she would obey instantly and then take it upon her self to do the praising, "I did a good job. You're so proud of me mama! Woohoo. Alright. I did it. I go to sleep like a good girl. I tried all my food. I be patient mama. I help you. I love you." These were things I heard come out of her all week. There  were "pleases" and "thank yous" all over the place and if she asked for something and was turned down, she would reply with, "okay" rather than the usual complaint and sometimes melt down. She laughed and giggled all week and was simply happy. She played independently and quietly while I cleaned or cooked and welcomed all the playtime I was willing to join in. I know what you're thinking and no, I am not making any of this up.

She and/or God handed me a gift this week. She let me bask in awe of her and soak up the joy. I felt like we could do anything because of her pleasant attitude and therefore had many adventures. We went shopping, to the library, to the dairy farm, out playing in the snow, to the children's museum and so much more. She started talking even more, even though I thought it would have been impossible for her to be more chatty than she already is. She was obsessed with questions this week. "Why are you doing that? Did you hear that? What do you think? Do you like it? What are you doing there?" She was eager to learn this week. Today, she even counted to 13. I'm not one of those moms that knows what and when certain milestones are supposed to occur and I don't care. Maybe she's early in her counting, right on schedule, or super behind. Doesn't matter. I was just simply proud of her. This week we completely and totally enjoyed each other's company and it was priceless.

Being silly - we dont even wear diapers so I guess they make a good hat now

obsessed with wearing her baby in a carrier

every mom should have an ipad

Childrens Museum

library

Woohoo....snow!

living the good life

so happy to have each other

Lessons I learn from wanting

This is a heavy hearted post. Something I think a lot of people don't talk about in a public forum because it is personal and vulnerable. I have been debating it for weeks and I feel I need to let it off my chest.If I blogged about something else right now it would be a lie because my mind and heart are else where.

We have been trying to get pregnant since November of 2011. Yes. That is 14 months. I have watched a few friends decide on another, conceive, carry their baby to full term and am now watching that baby grow. Sadly, It really puts the amount of time that has passed in full perspective. It has been an exhausting and heart breaking experience trying to conceive for such a long time. The emotional toll it has taken has been a lot to balance while trying to remain upbeat and positive for my 2 year old daughter.

The truth is that as badly as I want another child, I am still incredibly grateful for the family I have now. I have had the best 2 years of my life by miles. Everyday has been filled with so much love I actually feel like my heart could burst. I can't argue that I deserve more because I honestly already have more than I deserve. It is almost an uncomfortable feeling to feel so grateful and so wanting at the same time and I feel guilty over my feelings of discontent.

One thing that has gotten me through is a conversation I had with a dear friend at her favorite diner when I was having trouble conceiving my daughter Madi. She told me that I was made perfectly by God and not to feel like my body failed me. How profound! She said great things were going to come my way and I needed to remember to keep that faith. Through the emotional wear and tear of the long road to conceive my daughter, this is what got me through and during this second effort to conceive this same conversation has replayed over and over in my head and has brought me a lot of comfort.

While I am still trying to remain hopeful, I have taken the next step of booking an appointment with my OB to discuss my "options." To my surprise this opened another can of worms in my mind and heart. I am terrified at the possibility of something being wrong. Am I prepared to face that? If I end up needing help with my fertility, there is a part of me that questions whether or not that would mean I was giving up on God. I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but that doesn't erase the feelings. I have always believed that God was in control and would bless me as he saw fit and thus far he has. If I were to go forward with fertility treatments (if it came to that) would that mean I was attempting to take away Gods control and make something happen that maybe he doesn't want for my life? And that is the bomb drop. What if I am not meant to have more? In general, I have had to ask myself if I could be content just having one child. I am still not ready to answer that question. These are the fears that have haunted me through 2012 and into 2013.

Despite the hardship of this journey, I know this one thing. I am far more grateful for my daughter because of this process. I had to want her with every fiber of my being before she came along. That gratitude contributes to the kind of mom I am today. I was the type of person that could let the small things really get to me, but instead now I remember that it is not a given that I would have this beautiful baby. She was a gift and in my eyes a miracle. I remember to hug and snuggle and kiss her daily. Truly, I never forget it. When she wants my attention, I can much more easily just drop everything I am doing. When she didn't sleep through the night until she was 14 months old (and truthfully still sometimes gets up), I didn't let it bother me. I was able to treasure those moments. I have seen mothers that take parenting for granted and that makes me sad, but I'm so glad that I am not one of them and my daughter will benefit from being loved in such a way that treats her like she is someone special everyday. I don't care what people think of my parenting because I can remember and reflect on how special it is and see the beauty and the victories. I don't have to be weighed down by insecurity, because there is only room for the gratitude I have for her. I believe that God would not have blessed me with her if he thought I couldn't do it and I don't mind if it sounds arrogant, but I think I have done a great job. I am reminded daily that she is amazing. She made me a mom and she's my best buddy.  If it took five years to get pregnant with her, I would do it all again to learn this valuable lesson. Perhaps, God is using this time around to teach me another lesson and make me an even better mother. And if that's the case, than I am happy to fight through the tears again to get a new baby here. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt along the way.

Our First House

Just to warn you this blog is extremely photo heavy. As I have mentioned in a previous blog, we recently bought our first house. I want to take you on a tour of the before and after. The before shots are photos f the old owners belongings before the move. We did a lot of work to make it our own as you will see in the after shots. Some rooms are still missing wall hangings and window treatments, but you'll get the idea. Hope you'll like our house as much as we do.

The front of our house with peanut there

our backyard

Before: the living roon

before: also the loving room

After: the living room

After: also living room

Before: the basement

Before: the basement (it was terrifyingly disgusting)

After: the basement (Madi's play space)

After: Basement

After: Basement (family room)

Before:kitchen

After: Kitchen 

Before: Eat in portion of the kitchen

After: Eat in portion of the kitchen (missing window treatments and wall hangings)

Before: Bedroom

After: Our Bedroom

3rd Bedroom: I do not have a before picture of this one. Right now we use it as Ben's office

Hall way leading off from the kitchen. Bathroom is on the right, a bedroom/office on the left and our room and Madi's room at the end of the hall.

Before: Bedroom

After: Madi's Room

After: Madi's Room

Madi's Room

Well, that's our new house. We are very much in love with it. Thanks for taking the tour!