This is a heavy hearted post. Something I think a lot of people don't talk about in a public forum because it is personal and vulnerable. I have been debating it for weeks and I feel I need to let it off my chest.If I blogged about something else right now it would be a lie because my mind and heart are else where.
We have been trying to get pregnant since November of 2011. Yes. That is 14 months. I have watched a few friends decide on another, conceive, carry their baby to full term and am now watching that baby grow. Sadly, It really puts the amount of time that has passed in full perspective. It has been an exhausting and heart breaking experience trying to conceive for such a long time. The emotional toll it has taken has been a lot to balance while trying to remain upbeat and positive for my 2 year old daughter.
The truth is that as badly as I want another child, I am still incredibly grateful for the family I have now. I have had the best 2 years of my life by miles. Everyday has been filled with so much love I actually feel like my heart could burst. I can't argue that I deserve more because I honestly already have more than I deserve. It is almost an uncomfortable feeling to feel so grateful and so wanting at the same time and I feel guilty over my feelings of discontent.
One thing that has gotten me through is a conversation I had with a dear friend at her favorite diner when I was having trouble conceiving my daughter Madi. She told me that I was made perfectly by God and not to feel like my body failed me. How profound! She said great things were going to come my way and I needed to remember to keep that faith. Through the emotional wear and tear of the long road to conceive my daughter, this is what got me through and during this second effort to conceive this same conversation has replayed over and over in my head and has brought me a lot of comfort.
While I am still trying to remain hopeful, I have taken the next step of booking an appointment with my OB to discuss my "options." To my surprise this opened another can of worms in my mind and heart. I am terrified at the possibility of something being wrong. Am I prepared to face that? If I end up needing help with my fertility, there is a part of me that questions whether or not that would mean I was giving up on God. I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but that doesn't erase the feelings. I have always believed that God was in control and would bless me as he saw fit and thus far he has. If I were to go forward with fertility treatments (if it came to that) would that mean I was attempting to take away Gods control and make something happen that maybe he doesn't want for my life? And that is the bomb drop. What if I am not meant to have more? In general, I have had to ask myself if I could be content just having one child. I am still not ready to answer that question. These are the fears that have haunted me through 2012 and into 2013.
Despite the hardship of this journey, I know this one thing. I am far more grateful for my daughter because of this process. I had to want her with every fiber of my being before she came along. That gratitude contributes to the kind of mom I am today. I was the type of person that could let the small things really get to me, but instead now I remember that it is not a given that I would have this beautiful baby. She was a gift and in my eyes a miracle. I remember to hug and snuggle and kiss her daily. Truly, I never forget it. When she wants my attention, I can much more easily just drop everything I am doing. When she didn't sleep through the night until she was 14 months old (and truthfully still sometimes gets up), I didn't let it bother me. I was able to treasure those moments. I have seen mothers that take parenting for granted and that makes me sad, but I'm so glad that I am not one of them and my daughter will benefit from being loved in such a way that treats her like she is someone special everyday. I don't care what people think of my parenting because I can remember and reflect on how special it is and see the beauty and the victories. I don't have to be weighed down by insecurity, because there is only room for the gratitude I have for her. I believe that God would not have blessed me with her if he thought I couldn't do it and I don't mind if it sounds arrogant, but I think I have done a great job. I am reminded daily that she is amazing. She made me a mom and she's my best buddy. If it took five years to get pregnant with her, I would do it all again to learn this valuable lesson. Perhaps, God is using this time around to teach me another lesson and make me an even better mother. And if that's the case, than I am happy to fight through the tears again to get a new baby here. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt along the way.
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I'm so so sorry you are struggling. I have some dear friends who are struggling to conceive their first and it's heartbreaking! Many of my friends who have one think about secondary infertility and wonder if it will affect them. I wonder too. It's hard not to doubt God or yourself when you want something that is so good and right but you are not getting it!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand feeling like your body failed you. I still struggle almost daily with feelings of failure of my body and my baby because of my c-section. I am thrilled with my baby and grateful for him, but that doesn't make my other feelings go away.
I have been amazed to learn how many of my 20 something friends have needed a little help (often something simple like clomid) to get pregnant. If you need fertility treatments, it doesn't mean it's "not meant to be". If God truly doesn't want you to conceive, no amount of fertility treatments would work. But I don't think that's how God works.
I personally don't think God intervenes that way in every day life in most cases. I don't believe I have a baby because I was "meant to" or my friend struggles with infertility only because God wants to teach her something. I think infertility exists because it's a fallen world. And I think God grieves with those who grieve and understands the feeling of empty arms. After all, God doesn't want one person to go to hell. We don't consider him to be ungrateful when he has some of us saved but he still wants more of us to be saved. So I don't think it's ungrateful to love your sweet daughter but still ache for more.
I'm so sorry you are going through this Becky. I'm glad you wrote about it- hopefully it helped getting it off your chest. I have been thinking about you and praying for you over this since your visit last year. I definitely think its ok to be thankful for what you already have but yearn for more. It's a natural yearning. And good for you taking the next step. I'm sure it is scary, but I think it's great you did it.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much more to say, except that I'll keep praying!