why don't you have a mommy?

I am a nanny part time for a 4 year old little girl named katie and a 6 year old little boy named Jack. Although a lot of times they are the source of my headaches, they bring me joy most of the time. They ask questions that sometimes make me laugh because they dont make any sense or they ask me things that make so much sense to me but I still can't explain it to them. For example, one day Jack asked me, "If a house is for sale, does that mean it costs less money now?" Too adorable... for sale verses on sale!

Today however, did not make me laugh but made me teary instead. I had just picked Katie up from pre-school and on the way home she randomly and so innocently asked, "Becky, why don't you have a mommy?" The obvious and sensible answer would be 'because she passed away,' but instead i was stumped. I actually didn't know how to answer because I realized I didn't know why I didn't have a mom. I understand that she is gone, but I don't understand why she is gone. That for me is the hardest thing. If there was any explanation of any kind, I think I could move on more easily, but being content just knowing God had a reason doesn't always seem enough for me. As I write that, I see how ridiculous it may come across that I actually think I am entitled to receive reasoning from God, but at the same timethere are moments when it really can feel that way. Sometimes it's still hard to grip and even though it has been almost 8 months, on certain days it feels like it has been five minutes. I am told by friends and family that it passes and soon it will not seem so overwhelming, but the verdict is still out on that.

The most amazing part of that simple convo with Katie was that I had never told Katie that my mom had passed. She must have picked up on the fact that I talk about everyone else in my life, but my mom. I think I do this to avoid the subject all together. Kids intuition. There is nothing like it and they will always surprise me.