Forced into surrender

I had never known what it truly felt like to be completely surrendered to God until just a couple of weeks ago. Madi had surgery to remove an extra finger that she was born with. I knew it was not a major life threatening surgery and there was a better likelihood that she would be just fine than not, but it felt real and terrifying to me. Ben and I were in a position where we were kissing our baby goodbye, tears streaming down both of our faces, trusting her life with strangers. It was in that moment that I knew that only God could really guarantee her safety as she went under anesthesia. In my head I also knew that he would do this, but to trust that with my heart was so much harder. It comes naturally to me to want to protect my daughter and I hated feeling so helpless. I was scared for her and I knew she would be in pain and I knew I couldn't stop it. It was flat out AWFUL. It was by far one of the hardest days of my life.

I cried the majority of the two hours she was in surgery. Watching her wake up after the surgery was almost as painful as letting her go before hand. She was upset, disoriented, doped up, and confused. It literally hurt my chest to see her connected to so many wires and to watch her as the day went on to struggle with her new situation. She is NOT a fan of the full arm cast. Today, she is thriving and doing well (although frustrated on a daily basis with the cast). In 8 more days, the cast will come off and we will see her new hand. Strangely, I am confused about my feelings towards all of this. I was sure I would be excited for her and her new and "normal" hand. Instead, I feel a bit sad that my baby has been changed. She is different now. It is not the hand she was born with. I am certain I will adjust and I am happy for her, but there is a small voice in my head that is saying, "You made the choice to change her and you can't take it back." I feel nervous. Pray that my anxiety will pass quickly.