A Good week

This was a GOOD week. In the midst of crazy emotions and the regular craziness of life it was nice to have a week that just felt like a blessing from the beginning of each day until the end of each day. Lets face it, having a two year old is a serious job. It requires 24/7 training, correcting, patience, understanding, consistency, and love all at the same time. It can be a tiring feat and sometimes you do not see the victories instantly enough to feel good about the amount of energy it has taken to just even be a mediocre parent that day. But this week was not like that at all.

This week my daughter slept, ate, and behaved like a champ. And no, I am not kidding. I would ask her to do something and she would obey instantly and then take it upon her self to do the praising, "I did a good job. You're so proud of me mama! Woohoo. Alright. I did it. I go to sleep like a good girl. I tried all my food. I be patient mama. I help you. I love you." These were things I heard come out of her all week. There  were "pleases" and "thank yous" all over the place and if she asked for something and was turned down, she would reply with, "okay" rather than the usual complaint and sometimes melt down. She laughed and giggled all week and was simply happy. She played independently and quietly while I cleaned or cooked and welcomed all the playtime I was willing to join in. I know what you're thinking and no, I am not making any of this up.

She and/or God handed me a gift this week. She let me bask in awe of her and soak up the joy. I felt like we could do anything because of her pleasant attitude and therefore had many adventures. We went shopping, to the library, to the dairy farm, out playing in the snow, to the children's museum and so much more. She started talking even more, even though I thought it would have been impossible for her to be more chatty than she already is. She was obsessed with questions this week. "Why are you doing that? Did you hear that? What do you think? Do you like it? What are you doing there?" She was eager to learn this week. Today, she even counted to 13. I'm not one of those moms that knows what and when certain milestones are supposed to occur and I don't care. Maybe she's early in her counting, right on schedule, or super behind. Doesn't matter. I was just simply proud of her. This week we completely and totally enjoyed each other's company and it was priceless.

Being silly - we dont even wear diapers so I guess they make a good hat now

obsessed with wearing her baby in a carrier

every mom should have an ipad

Childrens Museum

library

Woohoo....snow!

living the good life

so happy to have each other

Lessons I learn from wanting

This is a heavy hearted post. Something I think a lot of people don't talk about in a public forum because it is personal and vulnerable. I have been debating it for weeks and I feel I need to let it off my chest.If I blogged about something else right now it would be a lie because my mind and heart are else where.

We have been trying to get pregnant since November of 2011. Yes. That is 14 months. I have watched a few friends decide on another, conceive, carry their baby to full term and am now watching that baby grow. Sadly, It really puts the amount of time that has passed in full perspective. It has been an exhausting and heart breaking experience trying to conceive for such a long time. The emotional toll it has taken has been a lot to balance while trying to remain upbeat and positive for my 2 year old daughter.

The truth is that as badly as I want another child, I am still incredibly grateful for the family I have now. I have had the best 2 years of my life by miles. Everyday has been filled with so much love I actually feel like my heart could burst. I can't argue that I deserve more because I honestly already have more than I deserve. It is almost an uncomfortable feeling to feel so grateful and so wanting at the same time and I feel guilty over my feelings of discontent.

One thing that has gotten me through is a conversation I had with a dear friend at her favorite diner when I was having trouble conceiving my daughter Madi. She told me that I was made perfectly by God and not to feel like my body failed me. How profound! She said great things were going to come my way and I needed to remember to keep that faith. Through the emotional wear and tear of the long road to conceive my daughter, this is what got me through and during this second effort to conceive this same conversation has replayed over and over in my head and has brought me a lot of comfort.

While I am still trying to remain hopeful, I have taken the next step of booking an appointment with my OB to discuss my "options." To my surprise this opened another can of worms in my mind and heart. I am terrified at the possibility of something being wrong. Am I prepared to face that? If I end up needing help with my fertility, there is a part of me that questions whether or not that would mean I was giving up on God. I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but that doesn't erase the feelings. I have always believed that God was in control and would bless me as he saw fit and thus far he has. If I were to go forward with fertility treatments (if it came to that) would that mean I was attempting to take away Gods control and make something happen that maybe he doesn't want for my life? And that is the bomb drop. What if I am not meant to have more? In general, I have had to ask myself if I could be content just having one child. I am still not ready to answer that question. These are the fears that have haunted me through 2012 and into 2013.

Despite the hardship of this journey, I know this one thing. I am far more grateful for my daughter because of this process. I had to want her with every fiber of my being before she came along. That gratitude contributes to the kind of mom I am today. I was the type of person that could let the small things really get to me, but instead now I remember that it is not a given that I would have this beautiful baby. She was a gift and in my eyes a miracle. I remember to hug and snuggle and kiss her daily. Truly, I never forget it. When she wants my attention, I can much more easily just drop everything I am doing. When she didn't sleep through the night until she was 14 months old (and truthfully still sometimes gets up), I didn't let it bother me. I was able to treasure those moments. I have seen mothers that take parenting for granted and that makes me sad, but I'm so glad that I am not one of them and my daughter will benefit from being loved in such a way that treats her like she is someone special everyday. I don't care what people think of my parenting because I can remember and reflect on how special it is and see the beauty and the victories. I don't have to be weighed down by insecurity, because there is only room for the gratitude I have for her. I believe that God would not have blessed me with her if he thought I couldn't do it and I don't mind if it sounds arrogant, but I think I have done a great job. I am reminded daily that she is amazing. She made me a mom and she's my best buddy.  If it took five years to get pregnant with her, I would do it all again to learn this valuable lesson. Perhaps, God is using this time around to teach me another lesson and make me an even better mother. And if that's the case, than I am happy to fight through the tears again to get a new baby here. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt along the way.

Our First House

Just to warn you this blog is extremely photo heavy. As I have mentioned in a previous blog, we recently bought our first house. I want to take you on a tour of the before and after. The before shots are photos f the old owners belongings before the move. We did a lot of work to make it our own as you will see in the after shots. Some rooms are still missing wall hangings and window treatments, but you'll get the idea. Hope you'll like our house as much as we do.

The front of our house with peanut there

our backyard

Before: the living roon

before: also the loving room

After: the living room

After: also living room

Before: the basement

Before: the basement (it was terrifyingly disgusting)

After: the basement (Madi's play space)

After: Basement

After: Basement (family room)

Before:kitchen

After: Kitchen 

Before: Eat in portion of the kitchen

After: Eat in portion of the kitchen (missing window treatments and wall hangings)

Before: Bedroom

After: Our Bedroom

3rd Bedroom: I do not have a before picture of this one. Right now we use it as Ben's office

Hall way leading off from the kitchen. Bathroom is on the right, a bedroom/office on the left and our room and Madi's room at the end of the hall.

Before: Bedroom

After: Madi's Room

After: Madi's Room

Madi's Room

Well, that's our new house. We are very much in love with it. Thanks for taking the tour! 

5 years and counting

Yesterday was my 5th wedding Anniversary!!! It's almost unbelievable. It went by in a blink of an eye. The first three years were trying to say the least. My mother passed away unexpectedly. I was diagnosed with papillary carcinoma (thyroid cancer),had surgery to remove my thyroid, and began hormone replacement medication which I now take on a daily basis. We also had some trouble getting pregnant, but once she was on her way it was smooth sailing.

The two years we have had peanut along side us have been the best two years of my life. Our days have been filled with giggles and sweet kisses and the drama seems to have exited our life with the entrance of this pure and simple baby girl. The first year of motherhood was undoubtedly a challenge, but always a joy. We began a new dynamic as a family and settled into new roles and my relationship with my husband reached a deeper more meaningful level.

 On to this last year. This year my husband graduated from business school and began a new job. We bought our first house and moved to a new state. There was a lot of change, but none of it seemed as scary as it could have been without Ben (the hubby) by my side. We are looking at this anniversary as a time of reflection of what we have accomplished over the last five years and a time to contemplate and set goals for the next 5 years. This man is the love of my life. He makes me feel secure and safe. I feel taken care of and adored. He makes me feel like the worlds best mom and still looks at me like he's just fallen in love with me. He is my other half and I can't wait to see how our life changes together in the next 5 years.

Here I go again

I blog rarely. We all know this. I'm not good at it and the process makes me feel overwhelmed and insecure. Despite this, I am going to give blogging another shot. We recently moved to Rhode Island and I have very few friends and I think that blogging would be a good outlet for me while we get settled. I'll start slowly to get in the swing and then hopefully learn about this whole 'linking up' phenomena.

Groundhog Day

When you have a toddler and your husband works full time taking your only car to work leaving you stranded, you settle into a very predictable routine. Sometimes I'm dying to get in the car and head somewhere new and sometimes I love being able to count on our routine. Either way, there are few dull moments in the life of a stay at home mom. Here is a glimpse of our daily routine.

5:30 - daddy wakes up and gets ready for work
7- daddy leaves for work :( 7:30ish Madi wakes up - she plays quietly in her crib until I get her.
8:30 - mommy showers and starts to get ready
9am - go get Madi, change diaper, sit down for breakfast (while Madi eats mommy finishes getting ready for the day.
9:30 - time to watch Mickey mouse club house - mommy downs 2 large cups of coffee :)
10am - dress Madi and brush her teeth. From here we have playtime. If it's nice we go for a walk, play outside with the neighbors or go in the kiddie pool, play with bubbles or chalk, or drive her car.
11:15/11:30 - Madi has a snack and milk
11:45 - nap time (asleep from about noon - 2) During this time mommy does laundry and/or dishes, eats      lunch, returns phone calls, on rare occasion I get a nap.
2:30 or whenever she starts to fuss - get Madi from nap and give her a snack/lunch. Mommy drinks another coffee - need to refuel for the race to the finish. More playtime until dinner.
5- Madi eats dinner - she spends a while at the dinner table.
5:45 or whenever she's done eating - pj's and teeth brushing. After we snuggle and watch a few minutes of TV
6:15ish - we read a book, say a prayer and go to sleep.
6:30 - mommy picks up the house and starts dinner or heats up leftovers lol. We do not have daily gourmet meals in this household. :/
7 - daddy comes home, we have dinner, spend some quiet baby free time together, go to sleep to wake up the next day and do it all over again.

 I realize this may not sound glamorous, but the schedule leaves out all the sweet moments. Like when I open her door in the morning and she jumps up and says, "morning" in her sweet voice. Or the giggles throughout the day and her telling me I'm silly. It's her evening phone call with da da on his way home from work. She has the sweetest back and forth banter with him. It's her begging for a cookie and if she gets one her giving me thank you kisses. It's me giving her some dried Cheerios in a snack cup and a sippy cup of milk, only to walk in 3 minutes later and here her say "cereal" and see that she poured her milk into the Cheerios and all over the couch. Can't blame a girl for trying. Everyday she learns something new and I get to see it happen. I'll take groundhog day routines any day because even though the schedule falls the same, she makes each day new and exciting. And while she rarely sees da da Monday through Thursday we make up for it on Friday afternoons and weekends by going special places and trying new things together as a family. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's.

Understanding

The age/stage that Madi is in is my absolute favorite. Something in her little brain has clicked and she is soaking in he world faster than ever. I can tell her something once, she can repeat it, and will remember it. I no longer have to repeat myself 100 times for her to learn something or for her to understand what I am asking of her. It's amazing. There was a moment today, where it really clicked for me that she was one of the big kids now. We were at a play space in the mall. She walked to the stairs of a play structure and said "wait. turn" as to my surprise she waited patiently for it to be her turn. She then said, "climb" and climbed the stairs. She then said "slide" and counted to 3 before sliding down. She then ran around to do it again. She saw another child try to climb up the slide rather than slide down it ( which she knows she is not allowed to do). She told the little girl, "no, no, no. Around." she was telling the the little girl to go around to climb the stairs. All on her own she understood everything she was supposed to do. She knew to wait her turn, and climb the stairs, and slide. And she knew the rule was to walk around and I didn't have to say anything to her. This may seem like a small thing to most people, but to me it was HUGE. As a mom of a mobile baby it can feel like you repeat yourself all day even though you have no idea if any of it sinks in or if you are wasting your breath. You work to stay consistent and lay down the law. There are time outs and tantrums and one sided conversations that can leave you exhausted at the end of the day. And then all of a sudden, my 17 month old, not so baby anymore, proves to me it was worth it and she understood. And sure there are days that are worse than others, but those little moments where you can pat yourself and your little one on the back knowing you both did your part - mom being the teacher and child the learner, both hard jobs and everyone is doing ok. That makes everything worth it.